Your New Years Resolution 2013: Stop Lying To Yourself, Fatass
Its the 19th of January 2012 today. I know what you are all thinking: God, I can’t believe its been 19 days and I haven’t gotten laid yet. I am fat.
Well, you are probably right. Since 2012 (on the Japanese horoscope) is the year of the Aguilera (the bleached beached whale of the Japanese Marshes) and we live in the most obese country in the universe, I am going to assume that you have already given up on going to the gym. There is really no shame in it, because I know we can’t all be born with metabolisms as fast as Dina Lohan’s ability to spin a story. There are other options though, that I think are worth considering. Now is the time to save face. Unlike someone who is actually going to drop a bunch of weight – you went and told everyone about it. Now, everyone is asking you all the time how the exercise is going, but what you are actually hearing is “Why are you still fat?” and then you pull a hostess cake out of under one of your man-boobs and stuff your cocksucker full of unwanted sugars and fats.
That is really no way to live. So we here at Gloganvlog are happy to help. Here are some diet alternatives to start 2012 off with a bang.
1. Hire a body double. Depending on how much you care what people think, you can either go with someone who kind of looks like you, or a 113 lb 7 foot black supermodel named Zimbabwe. If you are on a budget, hire someone desperate from modelmayhem. Instruct this person in your mannerisms and send them to your job in your place. When someone asks whats going on, tell Zimbabwe to laugh charmingly and say: “I got a haircut.” It worked for Jennifer Aniston when she decided she would rather look like a potato than a human being. This will give you time to stay home and focus on your weight loss goals, such as:
2. Diet pills. I know that there are a lot of risky side effects to taking any kind of pill, but there are a lot of risks to being overweight too. Diet pills are one of the fastest ways to lose weight because they stave off your hunger and force your body to live off caffeine. If you take them for an extended amount of time you may end up looking like one of the polished beauties from the Faces of Meth campaign. Nobody said glamour would be easy, it depends on how much you want it.
3. Hire a bigger person to stand next to you at all times and go hunting for sexercise. When you have a larger friend, you immediately become “The hot one” every time you go out. At the end of the night, when there is at least one closeted lesbian sleeping in a pile of her own vomit on the dance-floor and two drunk guys left trying to buy shots with a maxed out JCPenney’s card you can go and introduce yourself. Both guys will probably make a pass at you, and you should definitely take both of them home. Sex burns a lot of calories. Sex with two guys burns more.
4. Go to the most ghetto neighborhood you can find. Doesn’t matter if it is white, black, hispanic, asian, or lesbian. Yell the most racist, evil-hearted, bigoted, Rick Perry like comment you can muster. Run.
There is no shame in not living up to your New Year’s resolutions – but you should probably ask yourself why you feel the need to lie to yourself in the first place. If you really want to lose weight/sleep with less people/sleep with more people/do something adventurous/go on vacation/ burn your ex-husband’s house down/have a kid/kick your drug habit/ or start a drug habit you really don’t need some stupid clock striking midnight to force you into action. Fresh starts aren’t really entirely possible because you are still the same lazy, sexless bum you always were. So do what a hooker does, spray some perfume on it, and get back to doing you.
If you really want to make a change, just shut the hell up about it and get started.