WTF Of The Day: Natalie Portman’s Understudy In Black Swan

I don’t know if you have noticed, but Natalie Portman is clearly a neurotic bitch. So neurotic is she, in fact that she demanded this poor overweight 12-year-old he/she be cast as her understudy. Natalie did this on purpose so she would know subconsciously that there was no way she could give in to the constant temptation to eat something other than a celery stick, chased with a finger. Ever since her clitoris exploded from the undue amounts of pressure her stage momager put on her at the tender young age of 14, Natalie has realized that stressing herself out works. She is the Winona Ryder of the new generation, and is only one overzealous cocaine addiction away from stealing a sensible bra/panty set from the Sofia Vergara collection for Kmart and ending up in the clink.