When Hormones Attack: Is The Vagina To Blame?

I don’t consider myself a ladies man. I am not one of those gays that surrounds themselves with women. Why not, do you ask? Because I can’t stand most of them.

So the result is that I don’t know all that much about them. I know most of them get mad if you don’t text back immediately (or ever). I know that they have supersonic hearing and they don’t consider their buttholes reproductive organs. I know that when their periods first come they gain the superhuman ability to see in the dark and get free drinks at a bar.

But the one thing that has always baffled me is the hormones. Women’s hormones seem to have the capability to take over their entire lives–like they cant control their actions. Like their vagina’s jumpstart and hijack their lives. Being an unemotional heartless man (technically speaking) this baffles me. So I pieced together a few facts about hormones based on scientific facts that I made up.

1. When hormones were first discovered they were actually called Whoremones–named after famed microbiologist/Betty Page memorabilia collector Thomas Abernathy Whoreson III. His wife was often caught in the throes of her hormones so everyone in town referred to her as that nasty whore and eventually she was caught giving HJ’s for six pence in the dumpster behind Best Buy. They changed the word soonafter.

2. Hormones are the reason Abraham Lincoln was shot. During a screening of Sex and The City 2, Lincoln was busy BBMing his male lover and squash instructor trying to arrange a rendevous when his wife caught him. She wasn’t angry that he had a male lover–she was angry that he was BBMing someone else when he hadn’t returned her text from earlier telling him that her great aunt Madame Floe had come to town so she needed ten dollars for a snickers and some diet orange fanta. She got so angry that she ball-checked him causing him to stand up and get shot in the head. The bullet was actually intended for Sarah Jessica Parker’s teeth. The whole thing is such a scandal because even Helen Keller could have fired a gun straight into the air and still hit Sarah Jessica Parker’s teeth.

3. Hormones can actually explain a pregnancy. The scientific term for this phenomenon is a prevaricated pregnancy and occurs when a woman of loose moral fiber gets pregnant by unspecified means (read: a pastor, politician, the devil, or Eddie Murphy) and has to lie about it. So she says she doesn’t know who the father is. The hormones make her act like such a crazy bitch that nobody questions her. Famous prevaricated pregnancies include but are not limited to: The Virgin Mary, Hester Prynne, Victoria Beckham’s 1st Child (named Rutabaga), Gwyneth Paltrow, and Justin Bieber (she hasn’t had hers yet but it is only a matter of time).

4. Hormones can get you killed. Just ask my sister, who was such a bitch during her first pregnancy that even my mom began formulating a plan to throw her down the stairs.

5. Hormones are not an old wives tale or myth. I know this because I watched a true life story about a female-to-male tranny, where it was revealed to me that pre-op, shis hormones and emotions ran very high and very often controlled shim. After replacing estrogen with testosterone he noticed a remarkable change in his ability to control the way he felt and was able to react to shituations with calmness and aplomb.

Its not your fault ladies. And ironically I am on your side. I think we need to develop some kind of iphone app that tells you when your hormones are running high and constantly checks your technological social interaction–so that every time you post an emotional facebook update or text your boyfriend telling him how insensitive he is for not realizing that today was 126 days after you first met and 126 is your weight so its a sign from god that you should have 126 children and why hasn’t he proposed–the app will kick in and inform him of your hormone count and he will realize that you are not yourself today.

Hormones are just one more reason why I believe men and women were never meant to be together.

I know that we can at least all agree on that.