What Not To Wear: School Marm Fupa-Creating Speedos

Summer is right down the street ( I would say right around the corner but Mother Nature has been fucking with us so much lately I don’t want to jinx it. I would seriously take a sandblaster to Mother Nature’s asshole right now. I wish Eminem would put her in the trunk of his cutlass and drive of the Chelsea Piers. ) And we all want to look our best for the judgy drunk queens on Fire Island. So here is a piece of advice regarding speedos: If you wear them you will either look gay or Brazillian. If you are okay with looking gay or brazillian, make sure you get the perfect fit. An ill fitting speedo is like eating dinner right before you predrink–there is no point to it. In regards to speedos–a little tighter is much better than partially loose. Just take it from the photo to the left, where I am apparently auditioning for a role in Aquatic Chupacabras of the Gulf of Mexico (while it is a low budget film we expect to garner some of the buzz and excitement surrounding Sharktopus 3D and the upcoming Pirahnaconda.) And try to avoid sag-ass at all times. There is nothing worse than seeing a guy who looks great from the front, but when he turns around it appears he has dropped a 6 lb deuce in his drawers. Bringing him down to 92 lbs. My goal weight.