Unequivocal Evidence That Superheroes Are On Drugs

1. Superman’s Xray Vision: He was actually just looking at himself whilst high, in the mirror. Naked. Crying. Kryptonite is actually the name of a strain of weed. And all those trips to the phone booth? Where else are you going to find a private metal shelf off which to roll a joint? You would be leaping tall buildings and taking bullets to the tits too.

2. Wonderwoman’s lasso: Just a shoelace from her official power-dyke doc martens. Her bracelets were a gift from her lady friend Marge, who also supplies her with all the cocaine she needs to be a strong, independent woman in a man’s world. With a deviated septum.

3. Batman’s issues: His inappropriate relationship with that twink bitch Robin stems from a shit ton of heroin abuse stemming from seeing his parents murdered when he was just a young boy trying to masturbate to bat-porn. His bat-cave is actually a rented out 1 bedroom in Pistol Shit, Michigan with tinfoil blocked windows and a sex dungeon. Alfred is the slumlord that owns the house and occasionally stops by for a bat-beej or two.

4. Aquaman’s addictions: He is a methed-out circuit queen on a constant GHB high. The ocean he swims in is actually a sea of men, and the scales on his legs are really scabies brought on by sharing needles and bottoming for every middle aged man in a mesh wifebeater within 30 knots of his pre-moistened asshole.

5. The Xmen. Lets examine the facts here: A bunch of horny young kids including, but not limited to a nerdy guy with red laser beams shooting out of his eyes, a redheaded bitch that claims she can read your mind, someone made of ice, an asian chick wearing a yellow raincoat that can shoot fireworks out of her fingers, a big hairy guy covered in blue paint, and a fuckin wolverine? Sounds like every rave I have ever been to. If it weren’t so corny I would make the obvious reference to ecstasy.

Damn it.