Understanding The Different Categories Of Gingers

I know that some people claim that they don’t like gingers, or gingers don’t have souls. To those people I say : “Fine with me, you don’t have to fuck them because I will.” There really is nothing hotter than a ginge in my book. Much like penises, vaginas, and mulatto children, gingers come in all different shapes and sizes. Here is a breakdown of the categories, accompanied by some shots from the “Modern Hero” shoot by Troy Wise featuring ginge model Jonathan.

The Alabaster Ginge- These redheads have skin like liquid marble and aren’t afraid to flaunt it. They are, however afraid of the sun. They wear bright red lipstick to match their bright red hair and slather on so much sunscreen even on cloudy days that doppler radars everywhere register them as atmospheric moisture. On the days when these redheads find themselves without protection from the sun, you may be lucky enough to spot the ever elusive “lobster ginge.”

The Tanned Fannie- These redheads are okay with the red hair, but can’t abide the pale skin. They shellack their bodies with spray tan until their nipples are traffic cone orange, all in the vain hope that one day their freckles will connect and they will be an even shade of brown. Its delusional, its vain, and I’d fuck it. Any day, any way.

The Calico Ginge- Calico ginges are best identified by the fact that none of their hair is the same color, much like a calico quilts that Laura Engalls Wilder had to sew to protect herself from being sleep-raped by her father on Little House on the Prairie. A Calico ginge may have red hair on their head, blond eyebrows, a black and red beard, and white chest hair. I am pretty sure they are the result of the last time God drank Jager.

The Freckled Fuck- These are my favorite type of ginges because they are so unique. I don’t actually understand why freckles exist, but if you show me a guy with so many freckles it looks like someone threw shit at him through a screen door I will show you someone I will climb like a fuckin howler monkey.

The Fugly Fuck- This is the worst type of redhead. The old adage goes: “With redheads, they are either super attractive or super ugly, with no in-between.” Fugly Fucks have all the bad redhead characteristics with none of the good. Their skin is splotchy and pink like day-old shrimp cocktail, their hair is a uniform shade of Ronald McDonald red, and their teeth look like the underside of Lady Gaga’s armadillo shoes. The Fugly Fuck category exists independent of the other categories because it is that emotionally jarring and hard to stomache.

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