To Me, Sobriety Is Like Steroids
Sobriety is just like steroids because it is good for being productive, but just not that healthy. Here is what happens when you stay completely sober for more than 4 days.
Your brain starts working super-fast. You start discerning quadratic equations in your head. You start using words like discerning, because your vocabulary has suddenly increased by about 100,000 more words. You start talking like you just stepped out of the Encyclopedia Brittanica. You remember what Encyclopedia Brittanica is. You start realizing how much shit you actually have to do. You wake up earlier, because you need to be more productive, and are actually capable of waking up earlier because your brain isn’t simmering in a concoction of vodka sauce peppered with Goldshlager flakes (you forget how to spell Godlshlager, because smart people don’t drink that rancid shit…oh no, its happening to me now). You break out in hives because of all the things you realize you need to do. People avoid you on the street because you look like a leper, or Carrot Top’s puckered asshole. You have problems sleeping because of all the amazing ideas you are having that you just have to write down. When you do sleep, you have such vivid, amazing dreams that you spend your first hour awake writing them down, only to realize later that they are totally stupes. You forego sex in favor of working on your first novel. You start sleepwalking, because even in deep REM sleep, your brain won’t shut off. You sleepwalk off a building and die, a super intelligent, hive-covered, sleep deprived, productive failure.
Sober actually stands for:
Son
Of a
Bitch
Everything’s
Real
So the Gloganvlog way is to treat sobriety the way you treat steroids. If you have something super important and intellectual to do, give yourself a sobriety shot, right to the ass. Get done what you needed to do, and get back to getting shit-faced. Because life is too short to take everything seriously. And there is nothing more serious than sobriety.
You don’t believe me? Hang around a recovered alcoholic. Its like watching paint dry, and then die a slow and sobering death.
