Things That Creep Me The Fuck Out: Vanessa Hudgens

From now on we are calling her Hudgey–because it is a name as strange, filthy, and unappealing as her. Also it rhymes with pudgy–which I am reasonably sure she would be if she weren’t on a strict diet of denial about Zac Efron’s sexuality. In this photo she looks like an aging post-op tranny that bought their wig at a swap meet and can’t even afford bootleg collagen. Seriously I don’t trust people that don’t have lips. She reminds me of the rectum of a brown recluse.

Also naked photos of her keep surfacing. Above all I completely stand by working with what you got. That is why there are so many photos of me out there doing retarded things with people-because god made me an instigator.  But Hudgey here doesn’t have a particularly amazing body. If there were a bunch of pictures out there of her changing a carbuerator (sp, but who really fucking cares) I would understand.

Because the only way you date someone that obviously gay for so long is if you are hiding something yourself.

I believe Hudgey is a lesbo. Look at the above photo for unequivocal evidence. She is giving you the Kate Walsh Come Dive My Muff But Sign A Legal Waiver First eyes.

And you all know how I feel about lesbians. I don’t even really care for the ones who are my very best friends like a certain wildebeest that writes for this blog I might mention.

So I wrote Hudgey a letter.

Dear Hudgey,

I know you are finding your sexuality but leaking nude photos of yourself to the press is not the way to go about it. I think you would be more successful if you just shaved half of your head, bought some mens boxers and wide leg jeans and hung around outside of bars called The Treasured Clam at 11 pm (lesbians start and end early–before the late night wedding chapels close) and waited for your knight in shining pickup truck. Your new woman (im picturing Charlize Theron in monster) may not have enough money to pay for your new lips–but she will certainly get it no matter how many redneck prostijohns she has to murder. Then she will go to jail for you and you will lose a lot of weight and go on to star in a few independent films. Wait, was I talking to Hudgey or Christina Ricci here? I get them confused because they both look like the rectum of a brown recluse.

Yours,

Gary