The Top Five Inappropriate Places To Take Your SmartPhone
It struck me the other day as I was sitting on top of a mountain that I had just climbed with my friends, tweeting about how I was sitting on top of a mountain that I had just climbed with my friends, that my iPhone is basically an extension of my body, and I use it more than I use my dick (in fact, some people use it to find dick–so suck on that little knowledge nugget for a moment). I immediately put the phone away and took in the scenery, but it really got me thinking about all the retarded places that I have no business taking my phone:
On the crapper- The majority of the time I don’t even need to use the bathroom, I just want an excuse to dick around on Pinterest for a moment. The smartphone has replaced the need for magazines (even those rumpled-up porno’s your grandfather used to stash behind the sink) and I can’t remember the last time I read the ingredients on the back of a shampoo bottle. The problem is, a toilet has water in it. I remember peeting (thats tweeting whilst peeing) at my sister one drunken, sloppy night in Chicago. I dropped my phone. Without thinking, I dove hand-first into the toilet to retrieve and immediately put my mouth on the speakers to try and blow the water out. Yes, I risked getting urine in my mouth to save what is essentially, a totally replaceable computer chip.
Whilst Driving- Nowadays they have all those commercials where people died while texting and driving, and all I can think is: God, they must have really sucked at multi-tasking. But seriously, even though I do it too (and even though I don’t have a driver’s license) I can count that amount of truly urgent text messages I have gotten in my life on no hands. There really is no reason to be having a full on conversation via text while you are barreling down the interstate in a 4 ton death-trap with no airbags and a used condom in the back seat. Is that really how you want your parents to remember you?
The Bathtub- I have always taken baths. It is the only time I can relax. Do you know what I did last night in the bath? Synchronized my twitter accounts and made a to-do list. My baths used to be the only time I could really disconnect and nowadays I spend them on the internet. Don’t pretend like you have never answered a call while you were in the shower. Moral of this story is that we put our connection to the outside world before that funky odor coming off our balls.
Weddings and Funerals- I will be the first to admit that I don’t shut my phone off at weddings and funerals. I prefer to leave it on silent, (for moments of silence, obviously) and blame any random vibrations on the Earth’s tectonic plates, or withdrawal from vodka tonics. Somebody is either totally dead, or ruining their sex lives by committing to someone forever, and we can’t be bothered to disconnect. God forbid we miss a text message that someone else is dead, or engaged (because that happens so often). Notice I lumped funerals and weddings together?
That wasn’t an accident.
Whilst Fucking- This is one of the only times I actually do turn my phone off, because frankly the world could be burning down, but if I am in the middle of some fuckles, I don’t much care. Plus, I have decided that I want to die while fucking anyway, so I actually wouldn’t even need any warning. If she was still relevant, I would mention how Paris Hilton answered the phone during her sex tape. It makes sense–after all, it could be your drug dealer, your utilities service provider, or even someone else who wants to fuck. Could you ever forgive yourself if you missed that call?
Even though I need to stay plugged in for my job, it isn’t lost on me that we are moving away from a self-sustaining, independent culture to a society of people whose children aren’t even going to learn to write in cursive. Then, one day when the zombie apocalypse finally happens and the internet implodes, we will immediately revert back to a culture of savages. I am just glad I was born in a generation that still knows how to communicate without my fingers.
Do you hear that Helen Keller? Do you?!
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Damn you, smartphone struck again!
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