The Reasons I Don’t Drink Whiskey

1. I’m not a white middle aged man sitting in a library.

2. I’m not Don Draper (See # 1).

3. I’m not a pirate, or a hooker in 18th Century England.

4. I don’t like throwing up for non-weight related issues.

5. I’m not a lesbian who wants to drink until I grow the balls to bitch my girlfriend out in public for chatting her ex up on facebook.

6. I am not at a parade and it is not daytime.

7. I am not a straight guy in college that doesn’t know any better and thinks that a jack and coke are the two things I can get from the slutty girl in the dorm down the hall.

8. I don’t fall for those flashy Jamieson ads in the subway that are still just an offshoot of the Old Spice commercials.

9. Whiskey dick.

10.I don’t trust brown liquids. If whiskey were pink, I might give it a shot. Literally.