The Pros and Cons Of Gays With Body Hair
First off, let me say that I always found Gaston to be incredibly attractive, but maybe its because he obviously had a tiny gerbil-dick and I wanted to preserve the integrity of my asshole, even at such a young age. I digress, however. Recently, the subject of body hair has come up quite frequently amongst my gay social circles. Obviously in the bear community body hair is expected, but what about a little fringe for the rest of us? Personally, on the days when I just don’t feel like shaving I end up being mistaken for someone’s gardener and asked to trim the hedges and pressure-wash the vinyl siding. Hair only grows evenly on one side of my body, leaving me looking like a burn victim, or mangy dog. Body hair just isn’t really an option for me. For those of you, however that can grow a fine pelt, I guess the question is: should you?
If your boyfriend gets cold, he can burrow into your chesticles and hibernate for the winter. Just make sure you clean his litter-box or you may find dingle-berries dangling from your burly he-tits.
A lot of guys find body hair sexy. I for one, love a well-groomed pair of boobs to rub like Aladdin’s lamp. Just keep in mind that the same doesn’t go for your balls. If your balls in any way resemble Macy Gray’s afro and smell like Afro-Jacks armpits don’t expect me to come within a 4 mile radius.
If you are ever in prison, you can grow your ass-hair out so long that overweight biker-guys in leather vests named Shanks won’t be able to find your asshole. This trick may also help you avoid those pesky prostate exams.
Hairy tongue. One time I hooked up with a spanish guy with so much body hair he looked like a well-groomed werewolf. It looked sexy, and it felt sexy. What wasn’t sexy was me constantly hacking up his tiny little hispanic hairs. Afterwards I felt like I got uvula-raped.
If you get stung by a jellyfish, you will probably die. Jellyfish stingers (or so I’ve googled) are only able to sting you through your hair follicles (If I am wrong about this, feel free to correct me, but know that legitimately don’t give a shit). By my scientific calculations, the hairier you are, the closer you are to being murdered by a jellyfish.
You may be mistaken for a bear, and fastened into a sex sling. If you are going to grow out your body-tresses then you have to accept the responsibility of possibly being mistaken for a bear. It may not be your ideal situation, but it comes with the hair-ritory (see what I did there?).
Body hair, like anything else is subjective. On the right guy it can be sexy and svelte. On the wrong guy it will look like Rosie O’ Donnell’s happy trail. Regardless of what you do, or where you choose to grow your hair just please shave your fucking balls. If you walk away with one thing from this diatribe, I want it to be a well-manicured pair of balls.
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