The Pointless, Lazy Inventions Of The Average American

Have you ever thought about how many technological devices have been invented to make our lives easier–but in reality are a bit asinine?

People movers- I have been late to catch a flight enough times in my life to know that there is obviously a really good reason for people movers, but come on! Who decided that a long flat stretch of room was so absolutely daunting and horrifying that they needed to put a big moving rubber strip on the side of it? The funny part is that you have choice–you can either take the people mover or walk beside it. Do you want to be a lazy fuck or not?

Wheel chairs- I am talking about voluntary wheel chairs–not the kind that they give to people born with baby tyrannosaur arms and stumpy legs. When I see a morbidly obese person in an electric wheelchair in a mall I think to myself: What was so wrong with HSN that you had to drag yourself to a shopping mall where nothing will really fit you anyway? Is it because chic-fil-a doesn’t deliver?

Escalators-I love a good escalator. Who doesn’t? But what does it really accomplish than an elevator doesn’t? It allows you to glimpse some scenery as you ascend. It takes up a hell of a lot more room than an elevator. The most awesome part is when people walk up an escalator. It gives you a real sense of accomplishment to know that you are both getting exercise and moving 2.3 times faster than  you normally would.

Mechanical Pepper Grinders- Seriously? Who is so lazy that they can’t turn a dial to grind their own pepper? If you have Parkinsons disease and a really unsteady hand I could understand, but can people with Parkinson’s really cook? I doubt it. Especially because cooking usually involves slicing ingredients and people with that disease shouldn’t really be holding knives. Michael J Fox should be sad that he has a debilitating disease, not because he is chopping onions.

Hydraulic wine keys- There was a time when people had to work for their buzz. When people had to actually manufacture their own alcohol in their bathtubs. (read: Lindsay Lohan under house arrest and prohibition). Hydraulic wine keys are ridiculous because if you really want to down 6 bottles of wine then you should have to pop your own cork. And if you are too drunk to get your wine open then you probably shouldn’t be opening wine–do you hear me Ramona Singer?