The Number One Reason That Winter Sucks My Ass: Seasonal Relationships
There are lots of things that I hate about winter. I hate the random patches of dry skin on unfortunate areas of my body, such as my balls. I hate wearing so many layers of clothes that by the time I get them off at night the stranger I tricked into coming home with me has fallen asleep. Most of all, I hate how the cold weather flips a switch in people’s minds and they realize that if they don’t wife up for the season they are going to be spending a lot of cold nights alone in bed.
Here are several reasons that winter relationships are unnecessary:
1. I am not a down jacket, I am a human being; a philanthropist, and a teen model. If you don’t find it necessary to get into a relationship with me when the weather is nice and hot outside, then please don’t automatically decide that I would be a good space heater. Its not true anyway – I would steal all the covers at night and probably sleep rape you. You are better off cold and alone.
2. We are fuck-buddies for a reason. There is obviously something about each other that we don’t really like (and that something has nothing to do with our general genital area). There is a very delicate balance to the fuck-buddy relationship, and having spent years perfecting the formula I now know that the key is to never spend the night, keep the conversation light, and never get involved emotionally. Upsetting this balance is figuratively worse than destroying the native habitat of the endangered Madagascar tiger and causing mass extinction.
3. Winter only lasts a few months. Mathematically speaking you could potentially wing your way through it with a little alcohol and a few pickup lines. It makes more sense to coerce strangers into spending a few nights with you than it does to create an entire relationship that you plan to ditch in the spring. I know this, because I have actively created winter relationships before, and having dumped over 2,350 people in my life I know how difficult it can be. There is nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry like a little bitch.
So be a little sensitive before you decide that you can’t handle the cold. The wrath of relationship karma is much more volatile and pervasive than a few goose bumps and a shrunken dick (Obviously ladies that last comment was aimed towards you).
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