The Neighborhoods Of New York City, As Represented By The Penis

Have you ever wondered why everyone thinks New Yorkers are such dicks? Now you know. It got me thinking though, (as if its a difficult feat to make me think about cocks) that each neighborhood in the city has its own flavor and vibe. Conversely, every penis has its own flavor and vibe, too (although sometimes the flavor is less than appetizing). Thus, I present to you the neighborhoods of New York City as represented by the penis:

Harlem/Morningside Heights/Wash Heights: Big uncut Dominican penis. This penis wears a flat brim Rocawear cap and a wife-beater. This penis has been here for 8 years, but barely speaks a lick of English. If you have a juicy booty, you do not want to run into this penis on the subway late at night.

Upper West Side: Sex-starved new father penis. This penis hasn’t had sex in a long time because its wife just had a new baby. Its sex life consists of frenzied masturbation during early morning 5-minute showers. The rest of the time, this penis is running around pushing a stroller cursing at itself for that one-night-stand in Gramercy that ended in marriage.

Upper East Side: Saggy, old penis. This penis doesn’t work anymore, so there is really no reason to even talk about it.

Hells Kitchen: Overused gay penis. This penis has its own Grindr account, and goes on dates 3-4 times per week (and by dates, I mean fucking). This penis loves its life, and relishes in the countless holes that walk up and down ninth avenue every day desperate for a good dicking. This penis needs a condom like Alec Baldwin needs a muzzle.

Times Square/Midtown: Wildcard penis. This could be a super-hot uncut foreign penis, or a middle aged visor-wearing overweight-with-kids penis. Roll the dice, bitch.

Chelsea: Drugged up circuit queen penis. This penis comes complete with a set of glowsticks, a bottle of poppers, and a white mesh tank top. This penis knows the exact chemical reaction needed to stay up for 3 days straight. It buys 2xist tank tops, and spends so much time in the gym that its vein-muscles have vein-muscles. This penis looks like a linebacker and talks like a lady, but it can dance dance dance like its that last last last night of its life life life.

Union Square/Gramercy: Small, straight penis. This penis has never been near an asshole. It is fresh out of college and plans on marrying its college sweetheart as soon as she moves here from Bumfucktits, Idaho. Meanwhile, it gets drunk after happy hour and makes out with pudgy co-workers. This penis needs to get a life.

West Village: Hairy older penis. This penis comes complete with a cock-ring and the keys to a sex dungeon. This penis has been doing its thing since the 80′s and has no plans to stop, and if you get in its way it will growl at you (especially if you are a woman). This penis is very territorial and doesn’t take kindly to strangers, especially hairless, young, or female strangers.

Lower East Side/East Village: Smelly, uncut pierced penis. This penis barely fits into a pair of skinny jeans. It spends its nights penetrating NYU wannabes and drinking PBR’s whilst listening to Lana Del Rey. This penis is probably French, and is most likely subletting. This penis needs a shower.

Financial District/Battery Park: Stressed out Wall St Penis. This penis just needs  a hole to enter, and it doesn’t care if its male or female. This penis is so stressed out about its job that it only has about 10 years to be attractive before it burns out and becomes bald and paunchy. As a result, this penis just needs to de-stress itself and then get back to the grind. And by grind, I mean this penis’s teeth grinding at night because it loves money but hates life.

Brooklyn: Non-conformist, crooked penis. This penis will be unexpected. You will look at it and think “A little too much hair for my taste, and it smells like a thrift store dressing room fart, but I’m already in Brooklyn so I might as well” and then you will get the dicking of your life. This penis wears band shirts and nerd glasses, but when the clothes come off none of that matters. This penis doesn’t want to be like other penises, but there is something oddly authentic about it since it is so diehard Brooklyn.

If any of you have a problem with me lumping all of Brooklyn together, feel free to comment below. I haven’t experienced enough Brooklyn penis to paint an accurate picture.

Now that we have established all the boundaries, what kind of dick are you?