The Many Drunk Faces Of Dina Lohan

1. Oooh lordy. It always hits me the quickest when I soak my tampon in Meth Crystal Palace double distilled grain vodka. This shit is starting to kick.

2.Eew Samantha, there is no way I am doing a jello shot of your orangutan tits. Put it on Lindsay’s.

3.Blah blah blah, alcohol, drugs, its not my fault, blame it on the Jewish Asians or something, whatever, I just want to be a mom.

4. You bitch I can’t believe you did the last of our blow. Can I at least lick your nostrils?

I am not going to call Dina Lohan a bad mother, because I don’t think you can judge someone’s parenting abilities if you have never personally popped a baby out of your cooter. I leave those judgements to actual moms (which makes me wonder why One Million Moms keeps attacking gays instead of going after real problems, like Dina Lohan). I am not going to call her a bad person, because I personally love a drink every now and then, and as long as you aren’t hurting anyone I see nothing wrong with getting so shitfaced that you Bart all over the place (thats barf and shart-something you should only attempt if you aren’t in your own bathroom. Try the Chateau Marmont).

What I will say is that I think she should just start owning up to her problems. Recently theres a huge controversy that she beat Lindsay’s ass and broke her American Eagle friendship bracelet for lending her $40,000. (sidebar: If Lindsay Lohan loans me $40K I will actually lick her ass. I will just make sure not to take any drug tests in the subsequent days to avoid a positive for cocainijuanacontin). On Dr. Phil she showed up shitfaced and just redirected every question he asked. I have no idea what she is like in reality, but in her public persona she is a train wreck. So I want to personally thank her, for giving me something to make fun of.

I raise my drink to you, Dina Lohan, and I ask that you raise yours too. Only this time, don’t sprinkle it with industrial grade roofies and chase it with Tylenol PM.