The Many Bitchy Faces Of Charlize Theron

Let me start by saying that I absolutely love Charlize Theron. If I could wallpaper the inside of my asshole with any actress, it would be her. Every since I saw her in Monster, blowing her sideburns out in the bathroom of a 7-11, then splash some Aqua Velva under her pits for good measure I was in love. She could act her way out of a 7 car pile-up. But have you noticed recently that she has played the same character in all her movies? I am pretty sure the Craigslist postings for all the parts she has gotten lately have started with the phrase “Searching for the perfect disgruntled bitch.” Does Charlize fit that bill? 100%. Is she capable of SO much more? 1,000%. Will I still watch her even though her intense stink face makes my pee-hole squeeze shut like it just sucked on a lemon? 100,000%.

Snow White & the Huntsman- Charlize plays Ravenna, a disgruntled man-hating bitch that is obsessed with staying young forever, even though she clearly hasn’t been plowed in years. Whats the point of living forever if your vagina is less hospitable than the Dead Sea?

Monster- Charlize plays Aileen, a disgruntled man-hating whore that kills her johns because she got raped with a flash light, night stick, or tire iron (I looked away), using rubbing alcohol as lube. In this case, I totally get it.

Prometheus- Charlize plays Meredith, a disgruntled man-hating bitch with daddy issues that has sex with the help (no, that isn’t racist he is literally the space version of a limo driver) to prove she’s not a lesbian robot.

Young Adult- Charlize plays Mavis, a disgruntled self-hating bitch who despises her life so much she tries to break up a happy marriage, whilst going bald and drinking whiskey out of a plastic bottle. AKA, my hero.

I guess at the end of the day if you are going to be typecast, being typecast as a bitch isn’t such a bad thing. As long as she stays as awesome in real life as she seems in photo inserted below, I will forever be a fan.