The Importance Of A Zombie Contingency Plan

With all the horrific shit going on in the world today (like Steven Tyler’s face) it is basically a proven fact that very soon there will be a zombie apocalypse.  I have had a recurring dream since I was a little kid about a zombie attack that always ends up with me and my family on the roof of our mansion (you know it’s a dream because my trailer is suddenly a mansion) and then I wake up before they eat my brains.

So be prepared. Here is a list of things you will need.

1. Guns. Obviously.

2. Condoms. Obviously. You never know what kind of diseases zombies might have–and chances are if almost the entire world is converted there will be more than a few hot zombies. So play safe, people.

3. Food. I suggest breaking into a grocery store and loading up on all the perishable items you can find–things like celery, blueberries, milk, and eggs. These things will spoil quickly so you want to store as many of them as possible, and also eat them as fast as possible.

4. A lightning rod. Electricity is a must-have. We use it to power our laptops, phone chargers and TV’s. Everyone knows that electricity comes from lighting and lightning comes from the sky.  That’s just science. So it is very important to harness this natural resource in the case of a zombie apocalypse, otherwise you won’t be able to text the military and ask for an evacuation.

5. Moisturizer. Just because half the world is going to have itchy, cracked, dry skin doesn’t mean you have to.

6. A plan. Because if you actually follow this one your life will be over faster than Giuliana Ransic’s marriage.

You can laugh at this. You can scoff. But if any of you have seen Britney Spear’s GMA performance then you already know that the zombie apocalypse has already begun.

Seriously. Somebody cut off that bitches supply of vicodin before she dances her way into a coma.