The Hangover Diaries: Second Reason I Will Be Awake Before 10-Walk Of Shame

The guy I cocked last night seems to think I look like Jacob from Twilight. Yes, he is very very attractive so No, he doesn’t have to be smart or have especially good taste. So the pic to the left is me trying my best to look like Taylor Lautner–asian nail salon judgy eyes, nose resembling a recycled soup can and juiced up shoulders abound. And I did try to growl for him but it came out sounding more like a guinea pig receiving a prostate exam.

Let me also formally state that I don’t understand why everyone is out and about and clogging up the trains so early. Doesn’t anyone sleep anymore?

So Logan, TVT and I decided to meet up in Hells Kitchen at his new place to predrink. I decided to start moderating my drinking again and only have five drinks. Bad Idea when Logan has already had 2 while he was moving his shit. Before I was drunk I slipped on the overly waxed floors so I pretty much knew it was going to be a good night. We tried to get TVT to do a handstand up the chimney. Logan apparently only has one album on his phone that isn’t Canadian trance music or songs from his childhood (mongolian monk chants from the 1800′s) and that album is Britney Spears new album. PS if you want to set TVT off, just mention Britney Spears name. He will pop off faster than my dad running away from a child support hearing.

We had a little dance off. Logan kept referencing his big cock, and pretending he was going to set both of us up with his hot friends in an attempt to show us pics of his hot friends. There are two things Logan is not good at. Subtlety and Matchmaking. The night took a turn for the tragic when Logan revealed his Mary-Anne from Gilligan’s Island plaid Western Ginch Gonch Manties. Then he proceeded to leave his pants down for about 30 minutes while he searched for his phone from which the music was playing. At one point I pushed him on the couch and he managed to somehow bust his own lip. He must have fallen down the stairs or walked into my fist or something….We got into an argument about being good in bed–Logan said that he thinks most ppl who say they are good in bed really aren’t. This got me thinking. I sent out a mass text to all the people Ive slept with in the last day asking them if I am good in bed. Results posted below. Needless to say we were drunk before we left the house.

We went to Industry, where TVT immediately went into a tirade about how ugly everyone was. I replied: Lower your standards. I think that is good advice. Because truthfully there were some cute guys there and an awesome video playing. There was some strange guy hanging out in the bathroom talking about how the Obama’s were at a party he was just at. I was about a million percent sure the only party he had attended was a white party and it occurred in the handicap stall the entire night. At the end of the night I finally said: Do you ever leave the bathroom? And ran away.

Logan threw an umbrella at my face.

So I tried to get him back by uploading an unflattering pic to facebook but my mobile uploads aren’t working. So in the bathroom I decided to try and recreate the scene from The Unforgiven when Jodi Foster gets raped on a pinball machine. Big Mistake. I think Canadians are heavier than Americans–probably because they use different measurements instead of the dewey decimal system but I busted my hand open. Evidentiary support below. After that I really actually was ready to leave because I realized I wouldn’t be able to give even a proper hand job with my war wound/injury.

That was when KD Wang responded to my texts. Anyone who knows me knows that I give nicknames to the people I casually “see.” (read: go on a few dates with and perhaps do sexuals with perhaps more than once) KD Wang is the guy from a while back who looks like a Ken Doll and has a perfect dick. His other accessory ( the one I can do without) is a boyfriend.

So we started texting.

We saw a really really attractive couple toting around a bike in a bodega and I literally just said “Do you want to have sex?” The guy smiled and laughed but no dice. Logan bought a cookie, rounding out his sugary baked goods intake for the night to about 11 million calories. We went back to Logan’s to try and hunt down some muscle relaxers because my back has really been acting up lately.

KD Wang actually grew a pair and decided to hang out despite his misgivings! (read: relationship) So I told the guys I was going to go hang out with someone for 5 minutes and would be back. Logan didn’t even bat an eyelash. TVT didn’t really know that I am the king of Ditch.

I met KD Wang and we tried to break into a basketball court to canoodle. We ended up at his place which is so far uptown that I got a nosebleed but somehow only a 20 minute train ride from my house. Last time we hung out he had been having issues with what he was doing so he wanted to make rules–which I promptly broke. My only rule is this: Do what you want. If what you want to do is me, that’s fine no matter what your situation. I asked him what the rules were this time: He said “Whats the point in making rules when we are just going to break them?”

My kind of guy.

We cocked around for a bit etc..Earlier in the night when I realized I might actually get some poon I popped a male enhancement soft chew called Bang which was a gift from my friend Bryce. I figured I could try it out and see if the sex was any different and then write a review for the site. I didn’t realize that its meant for stupid straight people who premature ejaculate and that it would make me last longer in bed. So it took me forever to cum. Im pretty sure KD Wang fell asleep.

KD Wang has made several things very apparent to me. He is in a relationship and doesn’t want to get serious or date. He is newly gay and doesnt want to get serious or date. He is afraid of my intense hypnotic beauty so doesn’t want to get serious or date. Which is fine with me because I hate snuggling–its something I only do with guys with whom I am getting serious or dating. But there was no way I was going to head home at 5:30 AM.

So there ended up being three rules which I actually made up:

#1 was no snuggling. Which was fine with me even though I had several nightmares about banana spiders, sex with a girl,  and Kathy Griffin sans makeup and may or may not have tried to spoon subconsciously.

#2 don’t stick around in the morning. If a guy actually wants to get to know me–sure I will stick around and eat eggs or lay in bed and talk or go on an adventure. That wasn’t the case in this situation, which is why I dipped as soon as I felt sober enough. (which was still pretty drunk btw)

#3–the most important, and one I only made up after I was already downtown again. If you are going to hook up with someone who has a boyfriend, don’t forget your size xxs deconstructed hand stitched 20$ pewter jacket at his house.

I guess I will have to be seeing him after all which isn’t the worst thing in the world. Want to know the best thing in the world? He asked me if I was going to blog about our night.

And then slept with me anyway!