The Hangover Diaries: Fireworks, Airplane Games, And Scared Straight People
The thing about the Fourth of July this year was that it fell on a Wednesday, so party people like myself and my friends basically just considered Monday and Thursday anomalous (is that a word?) gaps between one big drinking binge. Our big idea was to claim a space on the rooftop early in the day, so that we could watch the fireworks when the sun finally went down at Midnight. We woke up at 10 ready to get the day started. 12 shots later, we still weren’t on the rooftop, but I started trying on all of Nadia’s bathing suits trying to find one that made me look like a juiced up, female heshe, carrot orange, tiny-titted body-building tranorexic. The saucy little houndstooth number pictured below and above was the winner.
As it always does, taking a shit-ton of shots while getting ready to do something always results is us doing nothing except dancing around, taking photos, and touching each other inappropriately. Emsy decided to one-up me by wearing nothing but pasties and pearls all day. Nadia was having an extremely hard time staying tucked even though she used an entire roll of duct tape on her Gennie McCarthy’s.
Nadia, Emsy and I finally ended up on the roof while Nick, Jmo and Jmo’s twink stayed behind to try and surprise us with a sneak water-balloon attack,which I immediately spooked, but allowed to happen anyway since it was hotter than the devils dusty ballsack. For once there were other people on the roof- two straight guys who were playing beer pong by themselves. Naturally Nadia and Emsy (clad in only pasties) decided to stage a girl-on-girl sexy photoshoot. One of the guys immediately took his shirt off. I think Nadia started to get a boner because she still kept having to adjust her tuck.
We drank vodka out of a glass skull using a water-mister as a chaser and played gangster rap to drown out the sounds of Nickleback (obviously the straight people’s choice). Emily basically crumped to Lana Del Rey, Nadia flirted with the straight guys, and I managed to make my tiny black speedo even more tiny by folding it over like a slutty college freshman trying out for the cheer squad. Then the day descended into madness. Jmo twink drank too much and threw up in the bathroom. Jmo asked me to give him a pep talk. I did. It consisted of the words: “Totally jels, skinty bitch.”
At one point we went searching for a lighter and Emsy tricked me into trying to use a tube of lipstick. Frecks came over, which resulted in making friends with a bunch of neighboring parties and drinking lots of beer (he is from BK, after all). A bunch more ppl came over, and we climbed to a higher rooftop to watch the fireworks. Straight people started crowding in, looking at us with jealousy because we were higher than them and could actually see the fireworks. We selected two, and invited them to join us.We promptly lost their lighter and referred to them as the “straighties” the whole time, because apparently nobody could be bothered to learn their names, except me. The girls name was Quinn. Which I kept pronouncing as Ka-when. She nearly pushed me off the roof.
You have never seen a group of more ravenous straight people than when I walked through them with a piping hot pizza. But I kept my eyes forward and stayed my course. We ate two whole pizzas and two boxes of wings. Happy Independence day to all the starving children of the world.
The night ended with me, laying down, passed out in my shower after singing Rag Time Goyl at the top of my lungs. I woke up at 3 AM, realized I was horny and masturbated, after realizing that my blanket was soaking wet because I hadn’t let it run a full cycle in the dryer.
I forgot to mention that the night before, Emsy, Nick and I tore Hells Kitchen up. I am unofficially monogamous again, so I passed all the cute guys I met on to Nick. You’re welcome, Nick. The night ended with Emsy and I dancing on the street over and around a passed out straight guy (which we took a hilarious video of) , breaking into Jmo’s living room and watching youtube videos of Nadia on the Maury Povich show. When Jmo and Nadia woke up and asked me “What the fuck I was doing in the living room being loud at 3 AM” I said “What does it look like? Getting shit-faced!”
If that isn’t celebrating freedom, I don’t know what is.