The Do’s And Don’ts Of Getting Laid At The Pool

DO show a little skin. There literally is no better time for a nip slip or a hint of butt-crack that says “Come throw your hot dog down my hallway. I have already coated the walls with PAM.”

DON’T flash your vagina or balls. There is nothing worse than thinking about actual genitals and their functions bobbing around in the same water you accidentally just inhaled.

DO have few drinks. Get a little loose. Make some eye contact, smile, and clap your titties together like a seal trying to find a mate.

DON’T use glassware to hold said drinks. If you drop it, your glass could conceivably cut someone’s cockle into ribbons or give that pregnant chick in the corner that barely fits into a Lane Bryant one-piece an 8 month impromptu caesarean section. Just for fun.

DO make up stupid excuses to talk to hotties, such as needing help applying sunscreen, asking if you have weird tan-lines, making an inquiry as to where they got that hot pink mesh banana hammock swimsuit (even though you know it’s from International Male Catalog), and offering to play hide the sausage, Jersey Shore style.

DON’T pee in the pool. Fucking in the pool is one thing, but peeing is just nasty.

DO pee on yourself, while using the outdoor shower. You are going to get wet anyway, right?

DON’T smoke. There is nothing more unattractive than the image of a tanorexic, methed out, bleach blond, Lindsay Lohan Florida-mom sitting in 100 degree weather puffing away in a cloud of nicotine and tanning lotion.

DO be bold. At the pool, everyone feels naked and vulnerable. Capitalize on that by hitting on someone less attractive than you. Then, take them somewhere private, cock the shit out of them and return to your poolside lounge-chair to beguile your friends about your summertime Herpes adventure.

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