The Correct Way To Raise Your Daughter As A Lipstick Lesbian

If you are the parent of a little girl, you can go ahead and admit that you have at one point thought: “I sure hope my daughter isn’t a lesbian, but if she is, I sure hope she’s a bottom. I want her wearing skinny slacks and lacy bras, not hemp Tevas and ace bandages.”

So maybe on your daughters third birthday she busted her ass skateboarding, but instead of crying she licked the wound and said: “Tastes like fear.” Maybe you found her stuffing your pantyhose down her shorts to create a fake bulge, and she has always had a strange preoccupation with sticking her fingers in things.

You see all the warning signs are there, so what do you do about it?

Its simple, really. Allow her to do all the badass things she wants to do, but gear them towards femininity. She wants to try out for football? Awesome! The day before tryouts dunk her favorite football in glue and cover it with fuschia glitter. Don’t worry if the boys tease her about it, give her stature its pretty clear that she could beat all their asses with her fisting hand behind her back.

She wants to cut her hair short and bleach it blond? Perfect! Buy her a fine selection of wigs from the Tony Pony HSN collection. She clearly wants to change up her look, and providing her with quality hairpieces will let her know that you are a good parent invested in her need to be different.

When she is a teenager, you find her binding her breasts with duct tape. No problem! This is clearly a cry for help. She either realizes her breasts aren’t very big or is ashamed at how big they are. If they aren’t big, I suggest you drug her while she’s sleeping and take her to get breast implants. When she wakes up in the hospital with her new boobs she will be ecstatic! If they are too big, buy her a bunch of lacy bras in her size and throw away all her ratty sports bras. You should also cut cleavage holes in all her favorite band shirts.  She will have no choice but to show off her boobs, and the attention she gets will make her very popular with the ladies.

As we all know, your childs sexuality and sexual identity is 100% up to you, to engineer. The only way your child will have a happy, healthy life is if you turn them into whatever you want them to be.

Its called being a parent.