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The Badass Homeless People Of New York City

May 25, 2012

This picture actually says everything I need to say without words. If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then 999 of those words would be BALLS! (The NSFW version of this is at the bottom of this post. View at your own risk- some things you can never un-see). I ran into this precious gem in the subway station across from my apartment. This vagabond takes the phrase “letting it all hang out” to a whole new level of pukery. Anyhow, he inspired me to write a little something about the badass homeless people of New York City.

Homeless New Yorkers are like honey badgers. They will sleep anywhere they fugging please. I will gladly deal with yelling multi-racial teenagers from the bronx, straight hipsters sucking on each-other’s ironic lip rings, wasted Giants fans (as if I really know what that is), and sexual harassment from leery old men on the train. But put a sleeping, smelly homeless person on the subway and see if I don’t switch cars so fast that your implants explode.

Homeless New Yorkers are tougher than Brooke Hogan’s hymen.  New York winters are harsh enough when you have central heat and air. I can’t possibly imagine the immensity of “hace frio” that those fuckers deal with. My personal theory is that they go underground like Mole Rats and inhabit the abandoned train stations (my personal exploration wet dream), but regardless dealing with the elements of NY seasons is a bitch. A Joan Collins- sized bitch. I can’t imagine how drifters do it.

Homeless New Yorkers smell worse than the bog of eternal stench. I cannot stress enough the gravity with which I say these words. Imagine a full diaper from an African Aids baby filled with Indian food, covered with burnt hair, placed inside a burning Michelin tire, upon which sits a French woman with armpit hair who hasn’t douched in 12 years.

Homeless New Yorkers are legit crazy, and they aren’t afraid to let you know it. There are two vagrants that I remember in particular. One always puts drinking straws in his ears, molests women, and takes up an entire row on the train by spreading out the treasures in his pocket, which consist of gum wrappers, cigarette butts, and business cards. Another hangs out in the EV station in Chelsea telling at “white bitches” and threatening to rape everyone. I’ve considered letting him do it just so he will shut the fuck up.

They say it could happen to anyone, and maybe that’s true in other cities. In New York however, if you are considering becoming homeless, don’t bother to show up for the interview unless you are a total badass.

The NSFW version of that pic is below. I am warning you. It is FUCKING disturbing. More disturbing than Channing Tatum’s puffy downward spiral coke bloat. 

I apologize if you have to burn out your eyes with a soddering iron.

 

WAIT FOR IT

WAIT FOR IT

WAIT FOR IT

WAIT FOR IT

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WAIT FOR IT

Ugh. I really need a rape shower now.

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