Posts tagged ‘zombie’
It is totally normal, even for pretty people to be depressed some times. What they don’t really tell you in grade school is that life is fucking hard. You spend your childhood wanting to much to grow up, then you realize that shit sucks. So how do you beat depression? By being opti-fucking-mistic. How do you become optimistic? By comparing your life to the lives of people who have it much worse than you. So here is a list of things that say It does get better, and it could be worse.
It could get worse because:
You could be Lindsay Lohan’s lungs.
You could be a janitor for the girls bathroom at a 7-11 in Alabama.
You could be John Mayer’s penis. Or have to listen to John Mayer’s songs on repeat eternally. Or be within 400 feet of John Mayer.
You could burn to death in a flash flood, while being Read more…
Gary’s How to Tell if You Are Florida Trash post has both inspired and aroused me – not necessarily in that order. I have decided to follow-up that post with one of my own. I think the title is self explanatory, unless you are on meth in which case the title won’t matter anyway because you don’t have the brain cells required to decipher the first half of the alphabet. Not judging, just saying.
How to Tell if Your Neighbor’s House is Really a Meth Lab:
- There is more foil on your neighbor’s window then in the entire Reynold’s Foil factory
- You smell something similar to burning hair – all the time
- The smoke coming out of your neighbors chimney is white and wispy – much like a happy stratus cloud
- You cut your foot on what you though was a sharp rock, only to realize it was a broken glass pipe
- All the spoons in your silverware drawer are now bent – and Neo is nowhere in site
- You spot a rotting zombie corpse in your yard, only to realize it’s your neighbor still up from a 10 day binge
- Your neighbors yard is grown over and unkempt and bares striking resemblance to Donald Trump’s hair
- Your neighbor suddenly asks to borrow $5,000 – but don’t worry he will pay you back tomorrow
- There seems to be spontaneous house fires, every week
I guess the prince forgot that after sleeping for 1000 years, sleeping beauty would not only be pretty fuckin old, but pretty fuckin hungry too. The rest after the JUMP Read more…
1. The Easter Bunny doesn’t actually do anything. Santa brings presents, The tooth fairy gives you money. All the Easter Bunny does is sit around chain smoking and soliciting large quantities of people for sex on Craigslist.
2. Easter eggs are disgusting. Children are disgusting. When you add the two together you get a bunch of miniature bastards running around farting ostentatiously.
3. Celebrating the day Jesus turned into a lesbian Zombie seems wrong. (zombie because he came back from the dead, lesbian because he must have been mighty strong to move that big rock out of the way).
In case anyone was wondering what happened to me, I am visiting family in Panama City, Fl. Do you want to know what occurs when you put a sex fueled gay party guy in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of children running around screaming like drag queens getting ready for a tucking contest? Well for one, they freak out when they get out of the bath to find their 7 year old nephew standing outside the door sleepwalking with one eye wide open and dilated, the other one closed and looking off to the side. He looked like Temple Grandin, as a child, if she had been a zombie. But the other thing that happens is they forget about getting laid and watch a bunch of retarded shit that doesn’t make sense about animals that can talk.
Do you want to know who makes the best retarded shit that doesn’t make any sense? British people. Enjoy.