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Posts tagged ‘women’

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Birth Control Yogurt: A Commercial Combining The Only Two Things Women Care About

January 22, 2013

birth control yogurt

If you have a television, then you know that when it comes to advertising for women, there are really only two things they buy: birth control, and yogurt. Everyone also knows that women always hang out in diverse friendship groups including, but not limited to one member of each recognized ethnicity, including deafies. When they aren’t sitting around getting group pap smears and rubbing healing rocks on each other, they are busy syncing their periods with their Redbook memberships and slaving over hot microwave meals. For all you ladies out there, I believe you deserve to take your birth control with your yogurt. For all you do. Don’t you deserve it? Don’t you?

PS- This awesome ad comes from Parks and Rec writer Megan Amram. If you aren’t watching that show, you should probably eat a dick.

Read more…

A Gloganvlog Diatribe: The Fine Line Between Males, Females, And Trannies

September 4, 2012

I find this photo both fabulous and disturbing.

Remember not-so-long ago when black and white people had to drink from different water fountains? Then, Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luther King or whatever decided segregation was wrong, so it was abolished. Allegedly. Have you ever noticed that we still segregate babies? According to tradition, blue is for boys, pink is for girls, and yellow is for tranny babies. I have never understood this though, because blue seems more of a feminine color to me, while pink reads more masculine. It starts at birth, and from then on we are assigned a gender based on our sex organs. That assignment haunts us for the rest of our lives. It dictates how we dress, how we act, and even how we feel. If everybody in the world is such a singular individual, how can we possibly classify anyone into one of two categories based on whether their gennies are inverted?

Boys are taught from birth to be rough-and-tumble adventurers that learn how to provide for a family. Girls are taught to be demure, shrinking violets that can take direction and cook a mean casserole. As our society progresses these distinctions have become less important, but there are still steadfast rules about how we should act and who we should be ingrained in us from birth.

Even as a gay man, living in the gayest city in the country I still sometimes struggle with my gender, whether I look too masculine or feminine on an everyday basis, and how I am coming off to the general public. That is the ultimate mind-fuck of it all.

We are taught from birth to act certain ways that may or may not go against our human nature, and we stick to those rules that were assigned based on our genitals simply because we were taught to.

And that, my dear friends, is why I love trannies.

[ via TheLuxurySpot ]

What To Do If Your Woman Won’t Mind You: The Falcon Punch

February 3, 2012

In the South, we call this maneuver a good old fashioned Cooter-punch and it is something both straight men and lesbians need to both understand, and know how to properly execute. Here are the appropriate times to use it:

1. Your woman didn’t wash the dishes. Obviously, women like washing dishes, that is why on commercials you never see men doing it. So if your lady keeps using silly, nonsensical excuses like “I have the flu”, “This is an equal partnership, and I work more than you do” or “I don’t even live here”, give her vagina a little love tap.

2. Your woman looked at another man. It doesn’t matter if the other man was the parking valet and she was giving him her keys, the hotel clerk at the hotel where she bought you guys a room for your anniversary, or her father — your woman is your property. It isn’t her fault that God gave her eyes, but it is her fault if she uses them to look at another man.

3. Your woman is wearing revealing clothes. It is a well documented fact that Read more…

Dames And Broads Are Taking Over The World

January 10, 2012

[ via TheLuxurySpot]

In the South there are certain stigmas about men and women regarding relationships. Men generally pay for things and women normally wait to be asked out. Typically, the first I love you is uttered by the girl, way too soon.

Living in the north, I have seen a different sort of beast. Women here are empowered, driven, and unwilling to compromise on a guy for the sake of getting ring on their finger. In the north, sometimes it is the guy who ends up hurt in the end.  The woman doesn’t mind paying for the check, being on top when doing fuckles, or being the one who sends the text message breakup after 3 weeks.

There is a larger sense of equality between the sexes in the north. So I guess my question is, what is this leading to?

1. The battle between the sexes ends. Women make equal salaries to their male counterparts. Men don’t mind staying at home. Men aren’t afraid to ask for a finger in the asshole and women, instead of being afraid of seeing their vaginas agree to have sex with the lights on. When this barrier breaks down it opens up the floodgates for equality for everyone. Gays can get married (even lesbians, I guess). People finally understand that love is equal between two people, regardless of gender, sex, sexuality, or political affiliation.

2. Women realize that they don’t really need men since their vaginas are basically as confusing as rubix cubes and men will probably never get it. They seize the power they have over sex and enslave men into becoming their cooks and seamstresses. Men, realizing they are beat, submit to women and provide sex whenever Read more…

Awesome Art: Voyeuristic Photography By Carlos Nunez

November 22, 2011

I think its fairly obvious to anyone that reads this blog that I am not into women. In fact, most women make me want to stick a fork in my spine so that the shock of realizing I am going to be parapalegic for the rest of my life ruptures my eardrums and I don’t ever have to hear them drone on about their pointless drama and self-important lives again. I am pretty much just talking about women in New York- who, as you probably know, always occupy the table next to you in a restaurant and have a fucking contest about who can talk the loudest.

But even one such as me can admit that women are fucking beautiful. The photography of Carlos Nunez captures the mystique of the female form, and there is something about his photography that is pretty fucking captivating. Take a look after the Jump Read more…

5 Ways Women Have It Better Than Men

November 14, 2011

[ via TheLuxurySpot]

1. Women can wear menswear, and it is trendy. If a man wears a smart cardigan-dress combo to work he will probably be publicly humiliated and/or sexually harassed. Women also get to wear fun dangly chandel-earrings and panties that caress their nether-regions with comfort. Men often wear the same old scratchy cotton underwear until their ass sweat literally rips a hole in it.

2. Women can be catty or nice at their discretion and it is considered normal behavior. It isn’t uncommon for a woman to be jealous of her friend and call talk behind her back. If a man sees one of his bro’s wearing the Jersey of his favorite football team, he can’t mutter Bitch under his breath, comment snidely on how fat he looks to anyone within earshot, and then go hug him and act like everything is peonies and pussywillows.

3. A woman can rely on her period to get her out of tough situations. Pulled over by a cop? Maybe you were too overly emotional to see which lane you were in. Accidentally forwarded a rude email to your boss? Maybe your hormones are over-active and you couldn’t help yourself. The beauty of this system is that nobody is EVER going to say “Prove it.” They would most likely rather let you get away with anything than see a bloody tampon.

4. Women can make out with each other and it isn’t gay. If this existed for straight men I, for one, would be a much happier person.

5. Women become mothers. There is absolutely no figure more revered in the history of man than the mother. Every time you ask someone who their hero is, mother is right up there on the list. Yes, you may have to go through nine months of Hell and your vagina will probably never be the same, but for the rest of your life there will be someone on this Earth who appreciates you unconditionally and will always put you on a pedestal (that is to say, unless you are a nasty bitch who runs out on her children. Then you forfeit both your vagina and all the adulation).

I am not saying that I would want to wear dangly earrings every day (even though I would), or that I would ever want to push a baby out of my crotchal region. I am saying, however, that there are a lot of advantages to being a woman, and a woman by way of birthright has every right to take full advantage of those advantages.

Unequivocal Evidence That Women Are Delusional About Makeup

September 27, 2011

The sad truth is, that some women are right. Without makeup some women look like Jenna Jamison’s snizz after a long night with Ron Jeremy (shout-out to adult entertainment’s classics)  But here is the rub – if you look that bad without makeup on then you will only be able to hold your ruse together for so long if you go home with someone. Eventually they are going to happen upon you without any concealer, and when they do you better hope they have early onset cataracts, glaucoma, or the where-with-all to stab their eyes out with hot pokers. So I have composed this little message:

Dear Women who look wretched without makeup,

Think about all the money you have spent on makeup over the years. Between concealer, blush, eyeshadow, liner, lipliner, lipstick, lipgloss, and moisturizer I am sure you have spent a small fortune. You have probably tried every new product on the market and for what? So that people in dark bars won’t know what you really look like? Real beauty comes from knowing exactly what you look like and accepting it. Real beauty comes from inside–where it doesn’t matter what your outside looks like because you know how beautiful your soul is. So stop spending all that needless money on cosmetics, save it up, and get your bitch ass to a plastic surgeon. It just makes more fiscal sense for Christ’s sake.

Y0urs,

Gloganvlog

img [  via  ]

Men Are From Mars, Women Can Go To Hell

September 6, 2011
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by

via TLS

As a gay man I have a unique perspective on the comings and goings of straight relationships. When I am not trying to sleep with your boyfriend, I am paying attention to the interactions that go on between you. This outsider’s perspective qualifies me to comment on it.

So here are my gripes about the state of straights:

Women deny themselves sex. You think having sex will ruin your vagina for your future husband even though every time you get excited you wet yourself like a newborn doberman. Your body tells you that you need it, your mind tells you that you want it, and your gennies practically demand it but still you turn it away? Do you know what we gays call this? Torture.

You call each other sluts and put each other down for being “easy” but secretly you want a man, right? Do you know what a man likes most in the world? Sex. But if you give it up too easy you imagine he won’t respect you after. So you freak out.  Do you know what turns a man off the most in the world? A girl freaking out.

Even gay guys can’t stand that.

You also worry over every little text message and dissect every little meaning, whereas Read more…

Reasons Straight Girls Scare Me

May 26, 2011

First and formost, I love girls. I love them. Sometimes I feel it’s some sick joke God played, churning out a homo back in 84′. But this is my one annoyance with straight girls. WHY GOD WHY IS GETTING MARRIED THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO YOU?!?!?!?!?!

I cannot tell you how many times I have had to sit through a gut wrenching conversation about a wedding, dress shopping, brides maid bullshit, bachelorette parties – the list goes on and on. No one cares. No one cares about anything at a wedding but an OPEN BAR.

Today, I woke up, flipped on the IV I normally have linked to People.com and discovered that Kim Kardashian (‘s giant ass) is getting married. To her beau of SIX, YES SIX!, months. What’s the reason for the whirl wind romance? She’s thirty. To be thirty, female and single is equivalent to being a a homosexual Read more…

For Gay Men Sex Figures Multiply Male Statistics By Pi

May 3, 2011