Posts tagged ‘whole foods’
1.) Starbucks – This should be a no brainer. As we all know gay guys like uppers and being that Starbucks is like legal crack we show up by the thousands. If you can’t get laid in a Starbucks bathroom you are either too ugly or too fat.
2.) The Apple Store – Gay guys don’t often have children so they like to spend their money on overpriced trendy computers. The Apple Store is a great place to get iFucked.
3.) Whole Foods (or any organic supermarket): In our minds organic = healthy. Even if it is an organic chocolate dipped Oreo it’s organic so it has no calories. Go ahead and pick up a 100% natural beefcake on your way out.
4.) Barnes & Noble: I actually don’t know what other reason there is to go to Barnes & Nobles except to pick up a man. The store kind of smells funny too, probably because of all the semen left over from the mid-aisle hook-ups that got crusted into the pages of Moby Dick-Me.
5.) American Apparel: This store might as well just change its name to The Gay Store. With their line of “Legalize Gay” shirts, booty shorts, and over-sized muscle daddy tanks the gays flock to this store like they’re giving away free ecstasy.
Click here to watch a video about toys that turned you gay(er).
The reasons I want one are as follows:
1. I could name it Baby Brokenlegs. Funny story–I actually used to have a guinea pig with two broken legs. This happens when four kids play the parachute game with a bed sheet and a pet. From that day on BBL (as we called him) just dragged his hind legs behind him making squeaking noises. What a trooper.
2. It would scare other dogs. My paraplegic dog would need to be a small breed to fit into my apartment, (lets just say if my apartment were a dick, it would be smaller than the “Situation’s” Shituation. I enjoy irony. So having a tiny robo-dog that can scare away a great dane would be the highlight of all my cocktail parties (of which there are none).
3. Watching it run downhill would be hilarious. In my wildest fantasies, I fasten a kite to its back and send it running down a hill. Somewhere towards the bottom it takes flight–and runs away from my abuse like Little Elijah Wood in The Radio Flyer. Read more…
Recently whilst on vacation to a fair hamlet, my hometown of Panama City, or as I like to call it the Devils Genital Wart I happened across this Hungry Howie’s sign. It got me to thinking–what if you could order your perfect guy like you could a pizza? What if you could specify exactly what you want beforehand so that you aren’t disappointed?
Then I realized you could. Can. And do.
On the fucking internet.
As I’ve said before many times I have nothing against online dating–and think that nowadays we have so many different avenues and options in regards to being exposed to a much wider selection and variety of people. That being said, I don’t really like meeting guys online. I won’t say I’ve never done it, or will never do it again. But I am wholeheartedly old fashioned when it comes to meeting guys–I want to meet them in a bar, give them a fake name and have meaningless sex.
I was raised right.