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Posts tagged ‘whole foods’


Top 5 Hook-Up Stores for Gays

January 15, 2012

1.) Starbucks – This should be a no brainer. As we all know gay guys like uppers and being that Starbucks is like legal crack we show up by the thousands. If you can’t get laid in a Starbucks bathroom you are either too ugly or too fat.

2.) The Apple Store – Gay guys don’t often have children so they like to spend their money on overpriced trendy computers. The Apple Store is a great place to get iFucked.

3.) Whole Foods (or any organic supermarket): In our minds organic = healthy. Even if it is an organic chocolate dipped Oreo it’s organic so it has no calories. Go ahead and pick up a 100% natural beefcake on your way out.

4.) Barnes & Noble: I actually don’t know what other reason there is to go to Barnes & Nobles except to pick up a man. The store kind of smells funny too, probably because of all the semen left over from the mid-aisle hook-ups that got crusted into the pages of Moby Dick-Me.

5.) American Apparel: This store might as well just change its name to The Gay Store. With their line of “Legalize Gay” shirts, booty shorts, and over-sized muscle daddy tanks the gays flock to this store like they’re giving away free ecstasy.


Click here to watch a video about toys that turned you gay(er).

Reasons Why I Want A CaterParaplegic Dog

August 12, 2011

This is a photo of a caterparaplegic dog–a word I just made up to signify that it is both paraplegic, and looks like a caterpillar. See what I did there?

The reasons I want one are as follows:

1. I could name it Baby Brokenlegs. Funny story–I actually used to have a guinea pig with two broken legs. This happens when four kids play the parachute game with a bed sheet and a pet. From that day on BBL (as we called him) just dragged his hind legs behind him making squeaking noises. What a trooper.

2. It would scare other dogs. My paraplegic dog would need to be a small breed to fit into my apartment, (lets just say if my apartment were a dick, it would be smaller than the “Situation’s” Shituation. I enjoy irony. So having a tiny robo-dog that can scare away a great dane would be the highlight of all my cocktail parties (of which there are none).

3. Watching it run downhill would be hilarious. In my wildest fantasies, I fasten a kite to its back and send it running down a hill. Somewhere towards the bottom it takes flight–and runs away from my abuse like Little Elijah Wood in The Radio Flyer. Read more…

What If You Could Order Your Dream Guy?

April 27, 2011

Recently whilst on vacation to a fair hamlet, my hometown of Panama City, or as I like to call it the Devils Genital Wart I happened across this Hungry Howie’s sign. It got me to thinking–what if you could order your perfect guy like you could a pizza? What if you could specify exactly what you want beforehand so that you aren’t disappointed?

Then I realized you could. Can. And do.

On the fucking internet.

As I’ve said before many times I have nothing against online dating–and think that nowadays we have so many different avenues and options in regards to being exposed to a much wider selection and variety of people. That being said, I don’t really like meeting guys online. I won’t say I’ve never done it, or will never do it again. But I am wholeheartedly old fashioned when it comes to meeting guys–I want to meet them in a bar, give them a fake name and have meaningless sex.

I was raised right.

Read more…