Posts tagged ‘whitney houston’
Some Considerations For The Impending Zombie Apocalypse
I had a disheartening weekend. Just kidding. Actually, I had an amazing weekend. One of the many events we took on was going to Lazertag on Saturday. Frecks, Jmo and I met up with a bunch of other guys for a little weekend afternoon warfare. The disheartening part came when I realized just how much I suck at it. Blame it on the shots of Patron we took beforehand. Blame it on my restricting Stella McCartney gladiator shoes or that damn LaPerla pearl thong that rubbed my taint so raw it looks like Maria Shriver’s face. For whatever reason, when it comes to lazertag my scores were lower than Tara Reid’s credit score.
This bothered me because I always figured in a zombie apocalypse I would be one of the survivors. After some thought though, I realized that maybe my contribution to the zombie apocalypse is about something more than mindless killing. I realized that in the event of the inevitable zombie apocalypse, Jason would be the bloodthirsty, tactical, cold blooded murderer. Frecks would be in charge of the long term plan and the most intelligent course of action. I would be the one that finds us food, shelter, and keeps us alive, since I am more resourceful than Whitney Houston’s cocaine habit.
Too soon?
So my point is this: Read more…
Take Two
Silly Bitches
Whitney Houston Dead at 48
Whitney Houston died today at the age of 48; the cause of death is unknown. To listen to Whitney’s classic songs is to listen to the sound of an angel’s voice – that is the voice I will remember when I think of her. She was beautiful, talented, and an amazing performer. I will always love you Whitney and I’m sure everyone else will agree. The woman with the voice of an angel now gets her chance to be with angels; rest in peace Whitney Houston.
See if you can follow my logic: Cocaine is a diet supplement that Sharon Stone and Whitney Houston used to do together in the 80′s. Basically, their daily food intake consisted of cigarettes, tab, unflattering shoulder pads, enough Aqua-net to destroy the Florida Wetlands, and unscrupulous amounts of cocaine for a period of about ten years. (And they haven’t aged a single day; still so glamorous and classy in 2012.)
Sharon Stone and Whitney Houston have always been rail thin. Therefore, it stands to reason that cocaine keeps you thin.
So obviously this bear isn’t doing enough.
Out And About: Is Cocaine As Over As Pan Am?
I don’t know a lot about drugs, but what I do know I learned from PBS specials, anti-drug campaigns, college, and Saturday night. Like anything else, drug use and abuse happens in trends, with spikes and lulls in popularity depending on popular culture, the economy, and how bored everyone is.
I have a theory: 90% of the people that were alive, and of age in the 70′s and 80′s did drugs. Back then people simple didn’t know any better. Cocaine is the reason for several horrible phenomenon’s that still linger from that era, such as Sharon Stone’s career, Ozzy Osbournes stroke-mouth speech impediment, Whitney Houston’s horrendous voice and Steven Tyler’s saggy cottage cheese orangutan tits. Cocaine has long been used in the gay community as a party drug, to give you that edge to Read more…
No Matter How Successful You Get : Happy Birthday Britney
On this, the most joyous of occasions I think its important to talk a little about Britney Spears and the things we have learned from her.
No matter how successful you get, it is still okay to date a back-up dancer. Jennifer Lopez agrees.
No matter how successful you get, you don’t have to wear a bra. Who cares if your nipples point so far south that they effect the gravitational pull of the Earth’s rotation around the sun?
No matter how successful you get, it is still okay to do meth. I know some people (Whitney) call it the poor people’s cocaine, but she lives in Atlanta and sounds like a seagull being raped by a bald eagle in a bear bar when she sings.
No matter how successful you get, it is never shameful to Read more…
Leave Lindsay Alone : A Diatribe
The other day one of my very best friends asked me if I smoke meth and/or crack. Basically they were asking me if I am Lindsay Lohan. While I am the same weight as her (when she went through that anorexic phase in the early 2000′s) I am not, I repeat am not a firecrotch h0meless person with a freckled persimmon patch. I know I make a bunch of jokes about it all the time but the simple truth is that I don’t do any of that shit. The reasons being:
1. I am aging quickly enough. I don’t need any kind of outside substances fucking my skin up more than nature is already doing on its own.
2. My grammy award winning multi-platinum shower singing voice couldn’t handle the harsh chemicals.
3. I want to keep all the teeth I have left. A smile is the surest way to trick people into thinking you are a nice person and thus convince them to sleep with you. With no teeth I would look like Read more…
Crackhead Whitney Strikes Again
Whitney, Whitney, Whitney….. It’s true, I will always love you but you do some messed-up crackhead shit sometimes. As most of you know by this point Whitney Coke-fiend Houston refused to buckle her seatbelt on a Delta Airlines flight last week. The pop diva claims that there were no drugs or alcohol involved but reports say that she was eyeing down the beverage straws.
After a flight attendant asked Whitney to buckle her belt before takeoff she flat-out refused! My guess is that the seatbelt simply wouldn’t fit around Whitney’s body, her skinny ass just kept slipping through. Maybe Delta should stop blaming Whitney and start offering seat belt shorteners; skinny drug addicts are people too!
After a few minutes of arguing Whitney finally agreed she would let the flight attended buckle her seat belt for her, how sweet. However, when the plane landed Whitney was nowhere to be found; it turns out she fell in-between the two seat cushions! Come on Delta get it together. Hmmm, maybe that is a new song idea…. I Will Always Fall Through.
Best Drag Show Ever
What moves, shakes, twerks and looks like Whitney Houston in a Wonder Woman costume….this fierce diva of a drag queen! This video had been around for a little while but every time I watch it my insides fill with happy happy joy joy goodness. It truly is the best drag show EVER, oh and pay close attention to the beginning.
