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How To Ensure Your Daughter Doesn’t Grow Up To Be A Whore

August 30, 2011

New Jersey, I am looking at you. I know that it isn’t a new occurrence for a Jersey girl to be a bad-ass, shit-talking, cigarette-smoking, hoop earring-wearing two-toned extensioned eventual mob wife, but with the success of shows like Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, and Hoarders (sp? whoreders?) it seems that lately these loud mouthed troglodytes have been shoved into our faces more than ever. Dina Lohan, I am also looking at you. And frankly, I am tired of getting a spray tan from watching my TV. So here are some guidelines on raising your daughter right:

Don’t buy your daughter a boob job for her 3rd birthday. Young girls should have to pay for their own boobs to learn the value of a hard day’s work. See how much she cares about her appearance after scrubbing out a Mcdonald’s fryer for eleven hoursĀ  at 3 bucks an hour while their leery 21 year old manager with a child-molester goatee stares her down. She will learn there are far more important things in life–like college degrees and industrial lesbian strength sports bra’s. Read more…