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Posts tagged ‘the rambles’

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Spring Is Coming And This Little Girl Is A Bitch

April 26, 2011

I couldn’t help but stop and smell the tulips today. Actually, I could because I don’t like tulips based solely on their name. Pronounced two-lips. It sends shudders right up my brittle homo scrotum.¬† Pronounced Homotum. (Yes, we do have different anatomies than straight people. Its how we manage to drink more, eat less, exercise like a pair of black lesbian twin pro tennis players, and still have so much sex. We are basically magical beings and our secret power is to decorate interiors .

But I digress. Spring is finally steadily approaching and this means what for the gays?

Central Park (or any park for that matter) will again become our stomping ground.

1. The cherry blossoms are blooming. Since pink is every The Gay’s favorite color, its like our creator Satan is showering the world with little sprinklets of homo fairy love. The flowering trees come in two colors: Blush and Bashful and one sniff of them will send any towering lesbian into a diabetic coma.

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It’s Time To Stop Being A Frigid Bitch

March 9, 2011

I know I could be jinxing myself by saying this but I feel like the intense cold of this New York Winter, which stifled me harder than¬† Wendy William’s industrial Spanx is coming to an end.

So what does this mean?

1. I can stop wearing an entire thermal underwear set under my skinny jeans and xxs t shirts–sometimes when I was drunk and sitting down I found it very challenging to stand up in all those layers. NO MORE SWEATY BALLS!

Just kidding. I will always have sweaty balls.

2. I can have sex in public again. This is probably the worst thing about winter–sure its fun to go skiing and all but wouldn’t it be more fun to sneak into the woods and do sexuals? Not so much when both of your dicks look like gerkins.

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