Posts tagged ‘Taylor Lautner’
These eyebrow-less celebrities speak to my soul. Here is what they say:
Angelina Jolie: I waxed my face with Pine Sol, and buffed my eyebrows to nubs. Now, my forehead is more slippery than a ski-slope. No more rug-burns when I play motorboat the muff doggie-style with Cambodian lesbians.
Anna Paquin: I am going to eat your fucking soul. Because I am a Harlequin baby.
Anne Hathaway: My father was an albino man and my mother was a titmouse. They were biological twins.
Mila Kunis: I am absolutely not fucking Ashton Kutcher.
Mila Kunis: He’s fucking me. So suck it, turd-smugglers. Read more…
I’m not saying that Taylor Lautner and Zac Efron are gay, but I am saying that I am about 150% sure that they would both munch on a dick sandwich faster than Lindsay can snort a 3 foot rail of coke off a bull-dykes softball bat if their careers wouldn’t suffer. In a perfect world, they would both be able to come out and still maintain their status in Hollywood. In a perfect world, they would be the most beautiful couple ever – the Brad and Angelina of buttholes. We don’t live in a perfect world though, and both these poor guys have to settle for back-alley Weho blowjobs in limousines.
They are however, obviously gay for each other.
Because in the animal kingdom, Shih Tzu’s have enough to deal with regarding gay rumors. The fact is, they are actually fairly masculine dogs, so if Taylor comes out, it will be one more nail in the proverbial coffin that is “Heterosexual Shih Tzu’s getting laid” They might as well all get nipple piercings and move to Palm Beach now.
If Taylor comes out it will ruin the fantasy for gay guys everywhere. There is nothing that gay guys love more than leeching off the straight community and finding those diamonds in the rough that haven’t yet come out, and slowly massaging the glitter out of their asses until they are full fledged mo’s. If Taylor Lautner is actually gay, it ruins the fun of ruining his life.
Besides Cheyenne Jackson and Neil Patrick Harris, there aren’t very many openly gay/fuckable actors. The second that Hugh Jackman finally comes out his fuckability and job prospects are going to go down the toilet. Ricky Gervais and Kelsey Grammar are so far from fuckable they can’t even get any Read more…
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Everyone has been going on and on about Taylor Lautner’s gay hand gestures and how this must mean that he is one of those homosexual’s.
We here at Gloganvlog were lucky enough to get our hands on the minutes taken down by court stenographer/boring hipster Kristen Stewart. They are as follows:
“So I told Jose, I said ‘Sister, you have to grab onto that ball-sack like you’re clutching the good silver candlesticks in your employer’s house-fire and you don’t let go until he admits that he cheated with that saucy little tart, Ramon. I wish I had been there girl because I would slap the $2 Clairol bronzer off that two-bit tranny. You best believe.”
See? Nothing gay about that.
The guy I cocked last night seems to think I look like Jacob from Twilight. Yes, he is very very attractive so No, he doesn’t have to be smart or have especially good taste. So the pic to the left is me trying my best to look like Taylor Lautner–asian nail salon judgy eyes, nose resembling a recycled soup can and juiced up shoulders abound. And I did try to growl for him but it came out sounding more like a guinea pig receiving a prostate exam.
Let me also formally state that I don’t understand why everyone is out and about and clogging up the trains so early. Doesn’t anyone sleep anymore?
Wednesday isn’t called HUMP DAY for nothing! What the hell is wrong with Taylor Swift?! First, she messes things up with Taylor Lautner and now she (& Reese Witherspoon*) couldn’t make it work with this hottie?! I’ve found my drug of choice and Read more…