Posts tagged ‘sun screen’

I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. This is based on the fact that during the winter, I only binge drink on weekends. The rest of my week is spent holed up in my apartment watching a shit-ton of TV shows, trying desperately to moisturize any dry patches in and around my cooter-adjacent areas, and sobbing miserably about the weather.

Summer, however is a completely different story.

I day-drink during the summer. I brunch for 9 hours. I drink while I shop, while I lay out, and especially when I vacation. Summer is the season of alcohol, and I have already gotten a great start.

This is what day-drinking means to me:

At some point, I will vomit at 3 PM. I will not make it to a bathroom. Some popular spots for vomiting in the past have been: in between cars on the street, on the wall above a toilet in a public park (after shot-gunning a beer and somersaulting down a hill), in the back seat of my friends car (in a plastic Publix bag, on the way to a bar), off the side of a boat at the beach, in the bathroom at work, and off the side of a roof (I feel sorry for whomever was below me for that one).

I will eventually be the color of Kanye West’s dingleberries, of which I am sure there are many. Laying in the sun is one of my favorite past-times. Laying in the sun drunk is even better. Normally, I have the where-with-all to put on sunscreen, but that only helps so much when you are damn-near-naked at the Christopher St. Pier for 7 hours drinking lemon vodka slushies.

I will probably bite someone in the face. In the past this has happened Read more…