Posts tagged ‘stripper’
A photo of Channing Tatum before Magic Mike looking gayer than any male stripper ever has a right to look.
Before we jump in, I feel like its my responsibility to reiterate (as if its not obvious by my affinity for chugging cans of Nattie Ice in phone booths) that I am Florida trash too. As many of you may know, Channing Tatum first tasted the glamorous bright lights and sparkly casting couch blowjobs of fame when he was a stripper in Tampa, Florida. I have to honestly say that while I totally get why everyone finds him so fucking hot, I am not that attracted to him. Maybe its because I have seen plenty of Florida strippers, and I am just desensitized to the smell of tanning oil, tramp stamps, and the vision of a slightly out-of shape paunchy straight guy gyrating for dollars in a smoke-filled bar.
Here is my evidence that Channing Tatum is Florida trash:
The Frosted tips: A constant giveaway every time, because if you live in Florida, you need to have at least one streak of blond in your hair, even if you are as black as the Reverend Al Sharpton.
The Buzz cut: Ever wanted to trick a girl into thinking you are in the Military (which translates into: I am not stuck in this town working at Kash N Karry, and I have great benefits so if you poke a hole in the condom and Read more…
I’m not going to lie, this movie is probably going to suck. It is also probably going to do very well since Channing Tatum, Matt Bomer, Alex Pettyfer, Joe Manganiello and (ugh I can’t believe I’m saying this because he looks just like my dad sans the meth) Matthew McConaughey play male strippers. If I was going to play a sex little game of WWYF with this movie, my number one choice would be Joe, Alex, and Channing at the same time. That’s why God created us with so many holes.
“I’d say its your period, but you’re obviously post-menopausal. Your eggs are dry.”
“My eggs are wet.”
This is most likely going to be one of the dorkiest things I have ever written. But I am very particular about my internet browsers. Firefox is my bitch. Firefox is like the stripper with a heart of gold that I never befriended for fear of getting caught up in her web of drug addiction and sloppy HJ’s in the champagne room for a sawbuck. But generally I love Firefox and ignore Google Chrome’s pretentious alpha dog attitude that screams “If you are an early adopter you should probably fall prey to my simplistic color scheme and alignment with google (basically the anti-christ) I am pretty sure the mark of the beast is our IP addresses.
But Firefox–for the love of god will you please stop forcing me to update my fucking browser every fucking day? Take a time out–sit down by yourself and decide what updates you feel are necessary for my browsing pleasure and then WAIT a minute. Think some more. Add a few more bug fixes and patches. Then go make a sandwich and jerk off while your mom is at the store contemplating driving into the sunset with the bag boy to leave her wretched life. Then think some more. Then, and only then can you send me a fucking update. My mother always said do things right the first time so you won’t have to do them again. Your mother clearly smoked crack cocaine while pregnant and only decided not to abort after she realized she could get government cheese with WIC checks if she carried your ADHD ass to term.
If your constant updating enough to make me use that asshole Chrome or that fat girl in the corner Internet Explorer? NOPE. Its called loyalty. But keep fucking with me and I will invent my own browser called waterwolf and we will put your flippant ass right out of business.