Posts tagged ‘Snow White’
First off, let me clarify that we are talking about Disney’s version of Snow White, not Kristen Stewart. Pretty much the only things we can learn from Kristen Stewart is that you only need one expression to be an actress, perpetual boredom is a state of being, and Robert Pattinson is as smelly as he looks (otherwise she wouldn’t have cheated with some fugz director). That being said, I would still do Robert Pattinson. In the butt. Using Febreze instead of lube. Today we are kicking it old school though, and talking about the original gangster Disney version of Snow White. Listen up kids:
Don’t trust old people, especially ugly ones. If you are young and pretty, there is no way an old person is going to like you for your personality because frankly, you probably don’t have one yet. So if an old geriatric bitch offers you face cream (first look at her face and laugh) and then just say no. If she offers you food, make sure to check it for spit. Old people taste like shoe strings, split pea soup, and hard-knock life experiences- like The Holocaust.
Staying in a house with seven men, and seven beds is a good idea. Clearly they will never get horny and sleep rape you. Also, with 7 beds there is most likely no room for a Red Roof Inn complimentary cot, so you are going to end up essing some dees, and mattress-jumping like a bed bug in Brooklyn. The moral of the story is, use a tooth brush and destroy your gag reflex. You won’t need it where you are going.
If you are going to take a nap, do it in style. Glass coffin all the way. None of this refrigerator box in an alley bullshit that those bourgeois NYC homeless bitches pull.
Running away from your problems is Read more…
We all watched the old school Disney movies when we were young (remember back when they were actually good?), and we all related on at least one or two levels to one of the princesses. You know, in your heart of hearts which Disney princess you are, and I think its high time you understood that, granted yourself the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, and started acting like the bitch you always wanted to be.
If you need help, refer to this handy guide:
Snow White: No offense, but you are a whore. People probably always try and hurt you with silly things like poison fruit, but shacking up with 7 men to protect you probably isn’t the best thing for your reputation. It is written in the bible that if a man provides shelter for a women she owes him at least 2-3 anal penetrations per week. My suggestion: take a self-defense class, buy a tazer, and the next time someone tries to shove fruit down your throat electrocute their asses until they pee out of their mouth. That is, unless it’s a cute guy and the fruit is a banana.
Belle: You like hairy men—I get it. But frankly saying that you want more than a provincial life and then moving a few towns over to a dank old castle isn’t really helping the problem. Your issue is that you don’t know what you really want. My suggestion is to pack up your friends (teacup,candlestick, clock) and go on a Crossroads style adventure around the country a la Britney Spears. You are only young once, and trust me- no matter how old you get you will still be able to bag a big hairy bear daddy. So have fun while you are still young.
Ariel: You need to raise your standards. All a guy has to have to get up in your conch shell is a pair of feet? Maybe its because you were born under the ocean where there just isn’t much competition (and that’s a scientific fact because if there were a bunch of mer-people out there we would have discovered them by now) but the world is full of Read more…
In a world where the term “same-sex marriage” is thrown around more than Julia in a lesbian pinball machine I really want to take some time to blog about the gays that came before us.
There were many pioneers for gay rights; Harvey Milk, Franklin E. Kameny; Ellen DeGeneres. But none other were more important than The Seven Dwarfs.
The Top Seven Reasons the Seven Dwarfs are Gay
- Um, there are Seven of them living in one house. Hello orgy
- They sing about High Hoes
- There was an 8th dwarf named twinky (he was chained up in the basement)
- Not one of them tried to have sex with Snow White, and she was a fierce bitch
- The all had red noses (need I insinuate more?)
- The all “worked” in a dark cave for hours on end – again, hello orgy
- They whistle why they work – training those mouth muscles