Posts tagged ‘Rehab’
I don’t hate to say I told you so, so I am going to say it. I told you so. Demi Moore took her skinny, cougar ass to the extremes of beauty, and now she is paying the ultimate price. The world is talking about her again. Ever since her split from Ashton Kutcher, Demi has been on a downward spiral that has landed her in the laps of many a teenage boy. Rumer, (or as we like to call her around here; Butterface Lagrande) decided to commemorate her mother’s habits by getting a tattoo of her. Tattoos, unlike fame are permanent, and since Butterface Lagrande inherited Bruce Willis’ face she saw the necessity in making her body as beautiful as possible. What better way, than to get a tattoo of the ultimate Crypt Keepin Cougar?
1. Every single time someone asks you if you have a light, instead of getting offended that they think you look and sound like someone who has smoked two packs a day for 30 years and works behind the register at a gas station, you can light their cigarette or doobie with your middle finger.
3.At Nicki Minaj’s next concert, Little Kim can go in-cog-negro as a white woman (all she would have to do is throw on a Raquel Welch blond sassy bob and say her name is Florence after all that fucking skin bleaching. She can say she has cancer as an excuse to get on stage, and light Nicki’s hair on fire. If she turns the ring upside-down nobody will ever find it and the cops and religious officials will think that God finally just smited Nicki for saying Stupid Hoe 40,000 times in one song (which, in our opinion actually makes her a stupid hoe).
4. Kim Richards can use it to melt down her meth in one of Lisa Vanderpump’s 30 bathrooms so that she can mix it with her vodka tonic because frankly, that is the only way anyone will ever believe that the only problem she has is with alcohol. Have we ever considered that perhaps childhood stardom is a form of natural selection?
Monserat lighter ring available HERE
We all watched the old school Disney movies when we were young (remember back when they were actually good?), and we all related on at least one or two levels to one of the princesses. You know, in your heart of hearts which Disney princess you are, and I think its high time you understood that, granted yourself the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, and started acting like the bitch you always wanted to be.
If you need help, refer to this handy guide:
Snow White: No offense, but you are a whore. People probably always try and hurt you with silly things like poison fruit, but shacking up with 7 men to protect you probably isn’t the best thing for your reputation. It is written in the bible that if a man provides shelter for a women she owes him at least 2-3 anal penetrations per week. My suggestion: take a self-defense class, buy a tazer, and the next time someone tries to shove fruit down your throat electrocute their asses until they pee out of their mouth. That is, unless it’s a cute guy and the fruit is a banana.
Belle: You like hairy men—I get it. But frankly saying that you want more than a provincial life and then moving a few towns over to a dank old castle isn’t really helping the problem. Your issue is that you don’t know what you really want. My suggestion is to pack up your friends (teacup,candlestick, clock) and go on a Crossroads style adventure around the country a la Britney Spears. You are only young once, and trust me- no matter how old you get you will still be able to bag a big hairy bear daddy. So have fun while you are still young.
Ariel: You need to raise your standards. All a guy has to have to get up in your conch shell is a pair of feet? Maybe its because you were born under the ocean where there just isn’t much competition (and that’s a scientific fact because if there were a bunch of mer-people out there we would have discovered them by now) but the world is full of Read more…
Manorexic can mean several things. For example when a man wants to be ultra glamorous and stops dining on anything except air and pipe dreams he could be called Manorexic. This term also applies to women who starve themselves of food and subsist on crystal meth and failing marriages – so much so that they lose the shape of their bodies and start to resemble men. Demi Moore is riding the manorexic train right now all the way to beauty-town and even though I am a huge proponent of reaching your weight goals, her face is starting to look like a wrinkled thrift store silk blouse, doused in used Summers Eve douche and strung up on a clothesline to flap in the wind. If Rachel Zoe were still a dehydrated raisin in the sun, they could be twins.
I don’t know what is going on in her marriage – but honestly they should have Read more…
That crazy bitch is dead. And I (unfortunately) don’t mean that wicked witch Michelle Bachmann. Poor Amy Winehouse passed away today and I’m sure you’ll be shocked to discover it was from choking on a ham sandwich. Just like Mamma Cass. In fact, her tiny little throat couldn’t open further than what it takes to syphon the last drops Read more…