Posts tagged ‘rape’
How To Avoid A Prison Rape Scene
We talk a lot about prison rape here on Gloganvlog, but I want you to know that I take it very seriously. I think the idea of prison rape is VERY SERIOUSly hot. Prison rape however, is sort of like fisting, double penetration, and sex with a female asian whore–while it seems hot in the realm of fantasy, if it ever happened to me in reality I would probably cringe into a corner and live the rest of my life in a mental rape shower trying to scrub away imaginary dirt. So, my goal is to avoid prison rape even though I am sure all the horrible things I have done will eventually catch up to me. If I ever end up in the clink, here is how I am going to avoid becoming a midnight snack for some crazy kat that resembles Danny Trejo’s pock-marked ass cheeks:
Bring the cray. This is a tactic I learned from growing up as one of 4 siblings. When you get in a fight, you aim to kill. I don’t care if you have to throw your cafeteria tray on a grill in the kitchen and melt someone’s face off (until they look like Mickey Rourke) – if people think you are crazy enough, they won’t fuck with you. Be the kind of bitch that would hide a shiv up your stinker, and you shall remain rape-free.
Get a tattoo that says “Free genital warts with every penetration” above your rectum. I was going to say Read more…
WTF Quote: Fuck Tickling
“Tickling. Just like rape except you are forced to laugh.”
-Unknown
Wisdom From Facebook: Rape
“Why do they call it date rape, shouldn’t it just be rape? I mean, the dates over at that point. Right? Am I right?”
-Chris, NY
The City Bus Is Satan’s Mobile Asshole
Let me clarify by saying that I am not talking about the NYC city bus. In New York, the subways are more akin to Satan’s mobile asshole, as they are poorly maintained, covered in soot and sludge, and full of sinners and fornicators (myself counted amongst them). Maybe its because the only NYC bus I ever take picks me up on 5th Ave at The Park, but all I ever see there are pristine blue fabric seats and gentlemanly elder ladies offering me their seats. It also smells like Chanel #5. Yes, I dare to say it: The NYC bus system is like god’s ballsack.
But back to the real issue here. In all other cities except San Francisco, the public bus system is synonymous with the words : poor, defecation, homeless person, and bat-shit crazy. Riding a public bus in another city is like nothing else in the world. There is no place else where you can go and be simultaneously Read more…
How To Ensure Your Daughter Doesn’t Grow Up To Be A Whore
New Jersey, I am looking at you. I know that it isn’t a new occurrence for a Jersey girl to be a bad-ass, shit-talking, cigarette-smoking, hoop earring-wearing two-toned extensioned eventual mob wife, but with the success of shows like Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, and Hoarders (sp? whoreders?) it seems that lately these loud mouthed troglodytes have been shoved into our faces more than ever. Dina Lohan, I am also looking at you. And frankly, I am tired of getting a spray tan from watching my TV. So here are some guidelines on raising your daughter right:
Don’t buy your daughter a boob job for her 3rd birthday. Young girls should have to pay for their own boobs to learn the value of a hard day’s work. See how much she cares about her appearance after scrubbing out a Mcdonald’s fryer for eleven hours at 3 bucks an hour while their leery 21 year old manager with a child-molester goatee stares her down. She will learn there are far more important things in life–like college degrees and industrial lesbian strength sports bra’s. Read more…
