Posts tagged ‘plastic surgery’
The Jackson Five Kinsey Scale Of Facial Deformity And Narcissism
Never before has there been a famous family so horribly deformed by plastic surgery. I don’t know if its because half their noses are so thin you could use them to cut a rail of blow with Lindsay Lohan, the fact that their eyebrows are so high they throw shade at the famed glass skyscrapers of Dubai, or the glaring realization that only one of them still looks black. Regardless, it is safe to say that more than a few of them have gone under the knife, and the bootleg doctor they found on Craigslist probably didn’t bother wiping down the refrigerator box in the alleyway where he performed their operations. To be clear, I am in no way saying that all black people look the same. Mostly because I don’t think any of the Jacksons are still black.
6. Tito Jackson- He who shall not be named gets a 6, because he, in fact, does still look black. He also looks like a pimp. The kind of pimp that moonlights as an Evangelist pastor at a chapel in BedStuy while his “womens” patrol the ho stroll outside.
5. Janet Jackson- Despite the fact that her weight bobs up and down harder than Ke$ha’s head in a Chicago cigar bar, Janet still looks pretty good too. I am 99% sure she asked the surgeon for the “Jackson needlenose special” but for some reason hers turned out better. I’m not saying its because she slept with him, but I am saying that Damita Jo doesn’t sound like the name of any respectable lady I know.
4. Jermaine Jackson- Lately, tabloids have reported that Jermaine wants to change his last name and disassociate himself with his family. I can’t help but think from his ebony black flat-top hair tattoo and south of the border nose job that he is planning to relocate to Mexico and start his life over as a Taco Bell quality control enchilada taster.
3. Lil Kim- I honestly can’t tell the difference. Can you?
2.Latoya Jackson- Steven Tyler called. He wants his wig back. And while you are at it, Read more…
During Gay Days, Rose McGowan was not only our official mascot, but also the background wallpaper for my phone. I did this on purpose, because every time I was around a gaggle of hot people and felt myself getting insecure, I just asked myself WWRMD?
You may ask yourself: What the fuck are you talking about you stupid, skinty bitch. But the truth is that everyone in the world, no matter how attractive, famous, young, old, or racist they are gets insecure. Rose McGowan was insecure, and look at her now.
Do you remember her back on Charmed? Scream? Grindhouse, or Planet Terror? Rose McGowan used to be fugging stunning. Then, because she was insecure she decided to fuck up her face and blame it on a car accident. Now her face looks like a melting pot of play-doh, meth, and Maybelline #9 busty beige foundation. Do you want Read more…
Penny Marshall. A methed out Florida trailer mom. Miss Piggy. An In-and-Out burger and fries (animal-style). A prostitute who has been working so long she gave Jesus a blowie, and her vagina and anus is just one big gaping hole, an FSU sorority girl who can’t seem to pass Organic Chemistry because of how much blow she does, Bridget Jones at a low rent fish and chips shop in an amateur photographer’s basement, one of the faces of meth, a Donatella Versace before picture, Rose Mcgowan, Falcor from Read more…
Celebrity News: Rest In Peace Rose McGowan
‘s face. I guess I could have put that apostrophe in the title, but what would be the fun in that? I have something to say, and I want Lindsay Lohan to pull up a chair, straddle it backwards (pretending its a drug dealer if she has to), settle in with a redbull and a Marlboro Red and listen up:
If you are really pretty- and I mean really pretty there is no fucking reason to fuck with your face. You want a few shots of Botox here and there? Who doesn’t. Some micro-dermabrasion to get rid of a few dark spots? That’s fine too. But don’t get a facelift, over-plump your lips, raise your brow, or fill your cheeks. Lindsay Lohan and Rose Mcgowan are starting to look like the same person, and that person is an anorexic methed out asian chipmunk (or, as we call it in the states, Renee Zellweger).
Back in the day, Rose Mcgowan was a great beauty – but then she not only fucked with her face, but tried to blame it on a car accident in order to garner sympathy. Which isn’t cool because I believe you need to own your shit. Since this post is a memorial of Rose Mcgowan’s old face, I will not post any photos of her new one.
Just kidding. Keep reading to see what the beat old hag looks like now. Read more…
A Glimpse Into The Future Of Pop Stars
They didn’t put Madonna on here, because frankly I think we all know that she will probably look exactly the same in 2045. Other popstars however, aren’t aging so well. If you think about it, its got to be tough being in the limelight and having your every bowel movement captured by the paparazzi. The only thing I can think of that is more embarrassing than having your corn-nut cleveland steamer blasted all over the cover of US weekly is Read more…
New Epidemic Sweeping The Nation: Ninja Turtle Nose
You are going to have to forgive me for being hung over. I started the night off with a shot of tequila if it is any indication. But I wanted to share with you a viral epidemic that is sweeping the nation and destroying the good work of plastic surgeons everywhere: Ninja turtle Nose. This disease is said to effect those who eat a lot of Pizza, have a lot of Leonardo Logs (that is when you eat a lot of salad and your turds are green, live in sewer systems (lets face it, Lindsay Lohan), or are blessed Read more…
Unequivocal Evidence That Women Are Delusional About Makeup
The sad truth is, that some women are right. Without makeup some women look like Jenna Jamison’s snizz after a long night with Ron Jeremy (shout-out to adult entertainment’s classics) But here is the rub – if you look that bad without makeup on then you will only be able to hold your ruse together for so long if you go home with someone. Eventually they are going to happen upon you without any concealer, and when they do you better hope they have early onset cataracts, glaucoma, or the where-with-all to stab their eyes out with hot pokers. So I have composed this little message:
Dear Women who look wretched without makeup,
Think about all the money you have spent on makeup over the years. Between concealer, blush, eyeshadow, liner, lipliner, lipstick, lipgloss, and moisturizer I am sure you have spent a small fortune. You have probably tried every new product on the market and for what? So that people in dark bars won’t know what you really look like? Real beauty comes from knowing exactly what you look like and accepting it. Real beauty comes from inside–where it doesn’t matter what your outside looks like because you know how beautiful your soul is. So stop spending all that needless money on cosmetics, save it up, and get your bitch ass to a plastic surgeon. It just makes more fiscal sense for Christ’s sake.
Y0urs,
Gloganvlog
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Madeas: Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Madea has tackled a lot of subjects with his/her movies–none of which I have seen. I cannot possibly stress how many fucks I do not give when it comes to these movies. If I wanted to see Tyler Perry dressed up in drag I would just google photos of Tyra Banks. However–I do feel an action/adventure movie is in order. I am not saying that Tyler Perry or Madea looks like an ape to be racist–I am saying it because he/she is 9 feet tall, bald, brown, and has a nostrils that flare up when angry like a frustrated Honk Kong when he tried to cock Naomi Watts. (hint–it wasn’t you, HK. Naomi Watt’s gine is shut up tighter than a panic room–it is part of being an aging australian achhem Nicole Kidman–and while we are on a tangent does anyone know the difference between Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts? Answer: About 3 inches of forehead.)
Anyway Madeas: Rise of the Planet of the Apes would involve Read more…
Courtney Stodden Was Attacked By An Alligator
And so she married it. Teehee. We already know that the 46 year old “teen” is attracted to wrinkly thinks that look like they came out of a Lon Chaney movie. We also know that she is an attention whore and a fame monger. What we don’t know, and what Gloganvlog found out exclusively is that Courtney Stodden is actually Tara Reid. Alyson Hannigan (who shits comedy gold) felt sorry for Reid and dropped a tiny little gold shnugget deuce her way. In one of her drunken tirade/gangbang/baitbus excursions in Atlantic city Reid was able to parlay this into enough cash to fix her stomache, which previously looked like the oatmeal ocean that is the underside of Tito Ortiz’s nuts. (pic after the jump)
Shown here are actual photos of Bristol Palin’s chin surgery taken directly before and after she had 11 gallons of fat sucked out of her waddle and a dildo inserted where her chin should be. As you well know I am all in favor of owning up to the shit that you do–so if your face looks like the Michelin Man having an allergic reaction to Burts Bee’s then by all means have something done. But be honest about it. Its called being superficial with integrity, people. And that is just phonetics. Besides, going from Jabba the C*nt to Evangeline Lilly’s chubby younger sister is always a step up, right?
Hell, I’d do her. Now that she has a dildo chin perhaps we could really make some magic.
