Posts tagged ‘oral sex’
Contrary to popular belief (mostly by women with gag reflexes) blowjobs aren’t exactly rocket science. Teehee. There are plenty of resources out there for how to give a blowjob, and honestly most of the time it comes down to simple common sense. Don’t bite, don’t actually suck or blow, and don’t vomit until the end.
Nobody ever talks about the blowee, though. A little known secret is that blowjobs don’t always work, and it isn’t always the fault of the blower. Also, not everyone can come from blowjobs. As someone who enjoys the fuck out of them when they are really good, but rarely finds anyone really good at it, I can sympathize. So here are some tips to receiving a blowjob:
Be in the right frame of mind: If your head isn’t in the right place, getting head is completely pointless. If you are thinking about taxes, the size of your dick, or your mom’s cancer scare, you won’t be able to enjoy the blowie. Clear your mind, and think about whatever makes you horny. If you have difficulty, or the person blowing you is toads fugs, think about whatever you fantasize about when you are jerking off. A blowjob is basically like a wet jerk off sesh.
Preemptive withholding: If you know you are going to get a b-jobber, refrain from jerking off a day or so before. Not only will this make you super horny and unable to think of anything else, but you get a really impressive cum shot out of it. Eat some celery the day before-hand to boost your load, and then watch-a-bitch-choke.
But what if you find yourself in the middle of a beej, and you haven’t had time to with-hold?
Let your hand be your guide: When someone is giving a blowjob (I may have done it once or twice) all they want is for it to work. As long as you ejaculate, the blower will be happy. If you do it right, they will also be full, and unable to look at mayonnaise the same way ever again. So if things aren’t really working downtown, use your hand to jerk off a little, and use your other hand to hold their head down there. You work the shaft while they work the head. It’s called team work, people. And if the blower is really good, they might pick up on your rhythm and you a handjob-blowie combo. Called a “handy-b”.
If all else fails, Read more…
We have all seen them, been around them, touched them, and rubbed them in our hair. Big Dicks are all around us, and chances are you are going to run into one at some point, possibly literally. You first instinct will be to put it in your mouth, but what if your mouth doesn’t open that wide? What if your gag reflex is so pathetic you vomit from using a toothpick? Here are some tips on how to S an over-sized D. You’re welcome.
Practice on a cucumber. Buy the largest one you can, cover it with some type of marmalade (this will make it more pleasurable) and repeatedly jam it as far into your throat as you can. If you vomit the first few times you are doing it right. If you swallow it, congratulations: Not only are cucumbers rich in many vitamins and nutrients, but you are more of a man than I am.
Stretch out your mouth by stuffing it with as many golf balls as possible. This exercise has other positive repercussions, as you will later find out when you date a foreign man and he demands you join the teabag party.
Think of something else, such as being murdered by a knife-wielding Mexican immigrant. If you are Read more…
I have eaten out one girl in my entire life. We were skipping class on a Wednesday in High School and I only did it because I wanted to get with the two other guys there who were also munching on her rug. (hint, it was brown berber). Sidebar–later on separate occasions I did cock both the guys. Obviously.
I’ll be honest though her Gine tasted like beer battered battery acid and I’m pretty sure I was fantasizing about Hobie from Baywatch. I think I literally spelled the alphabet out with my tongue.
So I find myself wondering how it works. Are there tricks? Secrets? Drink specials? Can a clitoris burn off from too much friction? Take the poll below and leave any tips and tricks in the comments. I am sure somebody (not me unless I decide to experiment again in the future) will appreciate it.