Posts tagged ‘oprah’
Why I Love Chick-Fil-A
Yes Chick-fil-a CEO Dan Cathy is a religious zealot, yes he hates the gays, and yes his chicken is so f**king amazing I have a mouthgasm every time I eat it. I know I should hate chick-fil-a for trying to snuff out the gays like yesterday’s waffle fry grease fire but I find myself longing for those magical chicken nuggets and crack Polynesian sauce almost on a daily basis.
Being that Dan Cathy is as old as the Earth it itself I don’t really see him changing his ways any time soon so there is no point in trying to persuade him to start liking the gays. But, the good news is after years of eating fried chicken his arties are probably clogged more then Oprah Winfrey’s colon – he his bound to kick the (chicken)-bucket soon. So rejoice friends, when the new CEO takes over we can try and win him over – so give it a rest for now and enjoy your damn chicken.
It is totally normal, even for pretty people to be depressed some times. What they don’t really tell you in grade school is that life is fucking hard. You spend your childhood wanting to much to grow up, then you realize that shit sucks. So how do you beat depression? By being opti-fucking-mistic. How do you become optimistic? By comparing your life to the lives of people who have it much worse than you. So here is a list of things that say It does get better, and it could be worse.
It could get worse because:
You could be Lindsay Lohan’s lungs.
You could be a janitor for the girls bathroom at a 7-11 in Alabama.
You could be John Mayer’s penis. Or have to listen to John Mayer’s songs on repeat eternally. Or be within 400 feet of John Mayer.
You could burn to death in a flash flood, while being Read more…
In unsurprising lesbian news, these photos were released today in the crazy media world of my imagination, originating from a twitter conversation between Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O Donnell.
The exchange went something like this:
O – I am tired of living in the shadows of my insatiable but forsaken desire to be a vagatarian. Oh Rosie, how do you do it? How do you live with the entire world calling you a raging bulldyke with bad skin? #youlooklikeasunburntwalrus
Ro – I’m not talking to you. I am still mad at you for cancelling my show. #ownstandsforobsoleteworthlessnetwork #youthoughtiwasgoingtosaytheN-word Read more…
AntiStyle: Fat People in Spandex
Listen up peeps – unless you have a rockin hot body, and I mean ZERO fat you should never ever EVER wear spandex. Spandex is like a magical fat magnifying fabric and has the ability to make 1lbs of fat look like 10lbs of fat. So even you look like Oprah in the 90s you will look like Oprah in the 2000s if you slip on some spandex. And just to further dissuade you check out these fatty mcfatersons wearing spandex.
Your AntiStylista,
Jason
How To Use Your Cock As A Weapon
Knock your cocks off? Yup, it’s official.
I’ve seen a lot of games throughout my 25 years of life (ok part of that statement is a lie), but I have not seen anything like this. Who actually thought to themselves, “wow, strapping a giant inflatable cock on and fighting with it would be so much fun?” This must have been the creation of a famous lesbian.
Oh, by the way, if you really are thinking of getting this game, it’s a steal if you purchase online (seriously, it just dropped a whole $1.56 in price Inflatable Cock Fighting).
Have fun playing with the family at Christmas or Hanukah or Kwanzaa…
[Image Via]
In The News: Hillary Clintobama Stands With The Foreign Gays
If you are coming to this site to hear credible news, then you are clearly retarded and gullible so by all means, believe everything I say here. In political news, Hillary Clinton spoke at the United Nations offices in Geneva on Tuesday and announced the Global Equality Fund, backed by her and President Obama, which is a new global initiative to support gay rights.
As a gay man, I think this is fucking awesome. As someone who tries to remain blissfully ignorant of politics ( I live in NYC, not DC – Which means I enjoy fun and sex, not politics and J Crew) I can’t help but see a bigger picture here.
1. Even though Obama beat Hillary in whatever pissing contest they had a few years ago to run as the democratic nominee ( I am assuming this involved them docking) she is still calling the shots. Just like she did when her husband, Bill Clinton was in office. This goes to show you that Hillary Clinton is a ball busting sum’ bitch and should have been president. Back then I remember thinking: “Meh, I prefer a woman or a black man, but either way Thanksgiving dinner with my racist, sexist uncle is going to be a lot more interesting.” Then I realized I didn’t have an uncle, and also that I didn’t truly care who won.
2. Basically, we just can’t leave other countries alone. From what I gather from my 2 minute perusal of this issue we are going to use this fund to Read more…
Current Event: Glow in the Dark Cats
What happens when you combine jellyfish DNA with feline DNA? I’ll give you a hint, the answer is NOT Carnie Wilson…. the answer is glow in the dark cats! Scientists have produced a cat that is resistant to FIV (Feline Immunodeficiency Virus), in hopes that one day this will lead to finding a cure for HIV. However, the most important thing I have learned from this story is that there are glow in the dark cats out there! The possibilities are endless…
I for one would do away with those annoying tap lights; a glow-cat is much more trendy and you never need to replace its batteries. And how many times have you wanted to go to a rave, but couldn’t find your glow sticks? Now, you can just grab your glow-cat and get to steppin’. Glow-cats are the next big thing: bigger than the Macarena, bigger than the tamagotchi, even bigger than the waistline of 80’s era Oprah. I think its time for those selfish scientists to stop hogging all of the cats and let us have some fun!
The Best News I’ve Heard All Year
Earlier this week Massachusetts cranberry farmers reported that this year’s cranberry harvest far exceeded expectations! It is great to finally hear some good news as it seems nowadays that everyone is focused on the negative; whether it’s about the economy, terrorists, or Oprah’s failing television network. Well turn that frown upside down friends; you can rest easy knowing that the cranberries will be plentiful!
Partygoers and alcoholics alike rejoiced when they heard the fantastic news as that favorite mixer would now be available at a reduced price. It is a proven scientific fact that individuals under the influence tend to spend more money. This increase in spending will significantly boost the economy and will finally bring an end to the recession – praise be the cranberry for it will deliver us from the darkness and bring us into the light. My hat goes off to you cranberry famers of America for you have saved us all.
Animals that mate for life:
* wolves
* termites
* coyotes
* barn owls
* beavers
* brolga cranes
* French angel fish
* pigeons
* prions
* red-tailed hawks
* anglerfish
* ospreys
* black vultures
* lesbians
The Hangover Diaries: When Brunching Kicks Your Ass
Let me preface this by saying that Il Bastardo is called such because every time we brunch there our experience is eventually bastardized into a monstrous partying clusterfuck that cannot be contained by the reins of decency. It was so debaucherous I am only now recovered enough to write about it.
It started off as a Shindia/Nicmac birthday/welcome brunch. The server immediately hated us since I sat myself next to Jmo, a jew so loud he could out-behar Joy Behar. He and I hadn’t eaten, and weren’t planning to any time soon so we could get good and drunk first. The thing you should know about Il Bastardo is that they serve their mimosas and champagne in glasses so large Somalian Families could feed their entire families rice from one goblet. For a week. So immediately I see Logan at one end of the table beside Nicmac, me and Jmo in the center across from Frecks and his Brazilian boyfriend, and Shindia at the other end. This is the perfect storm brewing–as we were far enough apart to turn the table of 18 ppl into a shitshow but close enough to yell at eachother. Which we inevitably had to do since Il Bastardo thinks they are a daytime version of Studio 54 and tried to drown our faggotry out by turning up the music 2000 decibels.
