Posts tagged ‘new york’
The Many Drunk Faces Of Dina Lohan
1. Oooh lordy. It always hits me the quickest when I soak my tampon in Meth Crystal Palace double distilled grain vodka. This shit is starting to kick.
2.Eew Samantha, there is no way I am doing a jello shot of your orangutan tits. Put it on Lindsay’s.
3.Blah blah blah, alcohol, drugs, its not my fault, blame it on the Jewish Asians or something, whatever, I just want to be a mom.
4. You bitch I can’t believe you did the last of our blow. Can I at least lick your nostrils?
I am not going to call Dina Lohan a bad mother, because I don’t think you can judge someone’s parenting abilities if you have never personally popped a baby out of your cooter. I leave those judgements to actual moms (which makes me wonder why One Million Moms keeps attacking gays instead of going after real problems, like Dina Lohan). I am not going to call her a bad person, because I personally love a drink every now and then, and as long as you aren’t hurting anyone I see nothing wrong with getting so shitfaced that you Bart all over the place (thats barf and shart-something you should only attempt if you aren’t in your own bathroom. Try the Chateau Marmont).
What I will say is that I think Read more…
Where To Go: The Cove At 49 Grove Re-Opens Tonight!
I don’t normally write about parties because chances are, if you live in New York your Facebook inbox is constantly stuffed harder than Chris Ryan’s boyfriend with invites to various party nights and events. I am writing about Cove at Grove 49 because I have a lot of fond memories of it. Not only is it an underground speakeasy (emphasis on easy) but it has open bars, which to me is basically like a little slice of Heaven’s taint.
Presented by Kevin Wiltz & Frank Carrasquillo, hosted by Lucio Abruzzi , Demanda Dahling, Rowell Adrian, & Adrianna Le Glam, and full of (from what I remember) hot guys and chic girls. It is less of a “stand and model” party and more of an “anything goes” event, which is right up my alley. I don’t know if you have ever been hosted by Rowell Adrian, but he is super gracious and a blast to be around. I always go to his parties, so you should to. Its in the bible.
Anyway, maybe I will see some of you fuckers there tonight. If I do, I’ll buy you a drink as long as its during open bar and you pay for the tip and possibly give me a bathroom blowie.
[ via ]
If you notice, at the top of this photo it says that the NY lottery is 121 million–a sum that is to be stretched out for someone’s lifetime. If you read a little further, it states that in just one year, same-sex marriages have added 259 million the the economy of the city of New York. I am no mathematician, but it appears to me that slovenly third-world cities like Detroit, MI, Jacksonville, FL, and FUCKING California should probably jump on the bandwagon. But enough about politics–you don’t come here to read what you can Google. Here is a list of other advantages to allowing gay marriage:
You know all those horrible run-down neighborhoods where teenagers go to smoke crack and create prom night dumpster-babies? (Detroit–no offense but this one is aimed at you) Imagine if the gays came in, painted them up, hired some Home Depot landscapers (read: Mexicanos), and threw a coat of paint on them so fast the property values did a double take. Our country would turn into Wisteria fucking Lane, except with more Botox, and less hit-and-run murders. (R.I.P Despies)
Most right-wingers claim that their biggest issue with gay people is the promiscuity and sin. Do you know the easiest way to cure promiscuity? Marriage. Do you know how you stop people from “living in sin”? Marriage. So take a note from your own book (That one about that guy, with the beard, who climbed up a beanstalk and got crucified by a wicked witch that lived in a gingerbread house, or whatever) and allow gays the option to bind themselves to one person until death do they part (and by part, I mean sign up for a www.christianmingle.com account and get back out there on the dating scene).
Munty, hunty. I know New York is normally light years in front of the rest of the country, but money talks, and trannies walk (in heels, even). There is nobody with more dispensable income than gays, because we don’t have to waste it on diapers, singing lessons, school trips, and birth control. I believe that the number of gays that got married during the first year of legal same-sex marriages in New York is nothing compared to Read more…
The Badass Homeless People Of New York City
This picture actually says everything I need to say without words. If a picture is worth 1,000 words, then 999 of those words would be BALLS! (The NSFW version of this is at the bottom of this post. View at your own risk- some things you can never un-see). I ran into this precious gem in the subway station across from my apartment. This vagabond takes the phrase “letting it all hang out” to a whole new level of pukery. Anyhow, he inspired me to write a little something about the badass homeless people of New York City.
Homeless New Yorkers are like honey badgers. They will sleep anywhere they fugging please. I will gladly deal with yelling multi-racial teenagers from the bronx, straight hipsters sucking on each-other’s ironic lip rings, wasted Giants fans (as if I really know what that is), and sexual harassment from leery old men on the train. But put a sleeping, smelly homeless person on the subway and see if I don’t switch cars so fast that your implants explode.
Homeless New Yorkers are tougher than Brooke Hogan’s hymen. New York winters are Read more…
A Gloganvlog Obvious Update: Its Finally Spring!
A Gloganvlog Challenge: Weight Loss Goals For Bikini Season
Anybody who has been living anywhere in the Northeast quadrant of America is:
1. Unimpressed by this winter. Seriously, I didn’t even need to grow a full bush to keep warm this winter. I wore gloves once. On my crotch. Because they were the only thing I could grab before the cable guy walked in on me pulling a Black Swan (humping my mattress).
2.Panicked about the fact that bikini season is around the corner. Up here, we don’t go to the beach all too often- we either take long weekends or work from the water, or take day trips. In the South you can go to the beach year-round so you come to terms with the fact that your beer belly will forever hide your dick. Up here, we don’t go as often, so when we do it is important to show everyone what we have been hiding underneath Uniqlo unisex turtlenecks that leave us completely devoid of any sexual appeal.
So, to fuel your weight loss goals, here are a few points of inspiration.
1. The Crypt Keeper. Say what you will about his stringy hair or overzealous voice, but sister was skinny. Like super-model skinny. I think its pretty obvious that her nose caved in due to cocaine abuse, but these things can be overlooked when you are as glamorously thin as ole Cryptie.
2. An Asian Penis. There is a reason Read more…
Dames And Broads Are Taking Over The World
[ via TheLuxurySpot]
In the South there are certain stigmas about men and women regarding relationships. Men generally pay for things and women normally wait to be asked out. Typically, the first I love you is uttered by the girl, way too soon.
Living in the north, I have seen a different sort of beast. Women here are empowered, driven, and unwilling to compromise on a guy for the sake of getting ring on their finger. In the north, sometimes it is the guy who ends up hurt in the end. The woman doesn’t mind paying for the check, being on top when doing fuckles, or being the one who sends the text message breakup after 3 weeks.
There is a larger sense of equality between the sexes in the north. So I guess my question is, what is this leading to?
1. The battle between the sexes ends. Women make equal salaries to their male counterparts. Men don’t mind staying at home. Men aren’t afraid to ask for a finger in the asshole and women, instead of being afraid of seeing their vaginas agree to have sex with the lights on. When this barrier breaks down it opens up the floodgates for equality for everyone. Gays can get married (even lesbians, I guess). People finally understand that love is equal between two people, regardless of gender, sex, sexuality, or political affiliation.
2. Women realize that they don’t really need men since their vaginas are basically as confusing as rubix cubes and men will probably never get it. They seize the power they have over sex and enslave men into becoming their cooks and seamstresses. Men, realizing they are beat, submit to women and provide sex whenever Read more…
Reasons Why I Like Living In New York: Asshole Edition
I have never really been the type of guy to take a boat-load of shit from anyone. I have noticed however, that after 4 years of living in New York I have developed a tougher skin. Here are some of the ways I have changed.
I don’t let people accost me in the street. I don’t care if you are a dirty homeless person, an innocent girl scout, or Jesus Christ himself disguised as a down-on-his-luck urban kid just trying to sell his rap CD on the subway. If you talk to me in public, I am either going to pretend I don’t hear you (I use my headphones more than I use my nuva-ring), say the word NO loudly and firmly and keep walking, or spray you with an accelerant such as gasoline, light you on fire, and use that fire to light my menorah while I dance around in jewish glee.
I don’t let bartenders or servers get away with being rude. When a service person is rude, it just says: I have a dry vagina and I have been on my feet all day. Obviously I don’t care about the two dollar tip you are going to leave me. When I am at McDonald’s, I fully expect and accept that the girl behind the counter isn’t even going to look at me or acknowledge me. The only thing that exists to her is the clock that is ticking by so slowly that she is sure it is a punishment from God himself for dropping out and having kids so early. Restaurants and bars are different because Read more…
Mancandy: Dom Mazetti NY Internet Superstar
Our newest crush here at Gloganvlog is Dom Mazetti, a NY funny guy that frankly, makes my smanties smoisten with sexcitement. Too far? If you don’t know who he is then google the ‘sumbitch and watch some of his videos. He is basically like a Read more…
New York Gaily News: Rest In Peace, Andrew Embiricos
I haven’t known that many people who have died but I have been told that the older you get, the more often it happens. A friend of mine, Andrew Embiricos passed away yesterday of undetermined causes. He was found in his Chelsea apartment by a friend. He is survived by his mother, Princess Yasmin Aga Khan, 61, a philanthropist known for raising public awareness of Alzheimer’s disease.
Andrew was one of those people who you always called by their first and last names. He was that memorable. I didn’t know him super well, but I have a few memories of him such as when we went to Puerto Rico. I will never forget how absolutely ridiculous he was and how we managed to have a complete dinner conversation about felching.
Then, he and a friend decided it would be awesome to book tickets to Felch, Michigan (or whatever fly-over state it is in) just so they could take a photo beside the sign.
That was the kind of person he was. A balls to the wall gloganvlogger at heart. He was a really genuine, sweet guy who will be missed.
All I know is that Andrew brought a lot of joy to a lot of people’s lives and he didn’t take life too seriously.
There is nothing more I would rather remember him for, than that.
