Posts tagged ‘new york city’
Have you ever wondered why everyone thinks New Yorkers are such dicks? Now you know. It got me thinking though, (as if its a difficult feat to make me think about cocks) that each neighborhood in the city has its own flavor and vibe. Conversely, every penis has its own flavor and vibe, too (although sometimes the flavor is less than appetizing). Thus, I present to you the neighborhoods of New York City as represented by the penis:
Harlem/Morningside Heights/Wash Heights: Big uncut Dominican penis. This penis wears a flat brim Rocawear cap and a wife-beater. This penis has been here for 8 years, but barely speaks a lick of English. If you have a juicy booty, you do not want to run into this penis on the subway late at night.
Upper West Side: Sex-starved new father penis. This penis hasn’t had sex in a long time because its wife just had a new baby. Its sex life consists of frenzied masturbation during early morning 5-minute showers. The rest of the time, this penis is running around pushing a stroller cursing at itself for that one-night-stand in Gramercy that ended in marriage.
Upper East Side: Saggy, old penis. This penis doesn’t work anymore, so there is really no reason to even talk about it.
Hells Kitchen: Overused gay penis. This penis has its own Grindr account, and goes on dates 3-4 times per week (and by dates, I mean fucking). This penis loves its life, and relishes in the countless holes that walk up and down ninth avenue every day desperate for a good dicking. This penis needs a condom like Alec Baldwin needs a muzzle.
Times Square/Midtown: Wildcard penis. This could be a super-hot uncut foreign penis, or a middle aged visor-wearing overweight-with-kids penis. Roll the dice, bitch.
Chelsea: Drugged up circuit queen penis. This penis comes complete with a set of glowsticks, a bottle of poppers, and a white mesh tank top. This penis knows the exact chemical reaction needed to Read more…
NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade Says No Homos Allowed
Apparently the luck of the Irish doesn’t apply to the LGBT (don’t ask me what the other letters are) community. The organizers of the Annual NYC St. Patrick’s Day Parade still won’t allow us gayfers into the parade! WTF is up with that – we have full and equal civil rights in NYC, and we can openly fight for out country but we can’t march down 5th Avenue dressed like a giant Shamrock Shake?!
If the Irish are so afraid of the gays then why do they celebrate leprechauns, rainbows, and fairy creatures? All we need now is to add Unicorns to the mix and the whole damn parade my burst into one big ball of glitter. I for one will be dressing as a whore leaf clover next year – after all it’s my right.
Normally I write these posts in a long, drawn out way. Today, I thought I would let the photos do most of the storytelling. (So keep reading to see photographic evidence of all the shenanigans)
Preface: Nick Mac and I started by pregaming at my apt with Frecks and his boyfriend. Then, we went to check out Fairy Tale, Joey Israel’s new Friday night party on 48th and 11th. Honestly I am always pretty impressed with Joey’s parties- The walls of the building were painted in glitter and there were fucking mannequin centaur tables. Do I need to say more? I felt like I was on the inside of Ke$ha’s vagina except without all the herpes and dead animal remnants. Then, on our merry way to industry we ran into some of my friends from out of town, one of whom I had a sloppy make-out session with on the street. Then, we decided to drink more at Jason’s apartment, AKA the Hell’s Kitchen black hole that always sucks us in. Then, we saw a small multi-racial man climb up a lamp post like a monkey and plank on top of a no-walking sign. I don’t know where he is from but obviously they still do that there. After Industry we went back to Jasons, where we got more fucked up and I did an impromptu photoshoot with Read more…
Drinking A Lot Keeps You Warm In Winter
I really don’t suggest lighting yourself on fire, unless of course you’re about to step in to see Tom Cruise try to act in “Mission Impossible.” In NYC it’s hard to stay warm at times especially when you have the wind cutting down alleys and off the river. Many people are uninformed of how to stay properly warm. And the gays tend to care more about fashion than warmth. Here are some useful tips to keep warm:
1. Go to Uniqlo and get some of those damn Heat Tech clothes! They actually really work and are relatively inexpensive too!
2. Drink A LOT of Liquor. Seriously, if you’re trashed you won’t even care about the cold weather and liquor warms your body up. You seriously have a reason to get trashed now every time you step outside!
3. If you don’t drink, get a hot chocolate at Dunkin’ Donuts. That does the job too.
4. Travel with a group and bundle together.
5. Hot Sex. You’ll need to go outside and cool off after this.
6. Don’t wear fur, wear a down jacket if anything.
7. Get Fat
8. Run don’t walk. Yeah the wind might suck but you’ll get exercise and heat up naturally.
9. Don’t go near the Hudson River or down alleys.
10. Go Dancing! The minute you walk out of a club, you’re going to be relieved after dancing for hours.
If you have anymore advice, then please add it in your comments. We would love to hear! 
Woman Killed in Freak Elevator Accident
This week in New York City a woman was killed while trying to get to work in a building near Grand Central Station. Apparently as the woman was stepping on the the elevator the doors shut quickly on her leg trapping her. Then without warning the elevator rose abruptly dragging her body into the elevator shaft killing her. WTF?!
So I figure one of two things ; this woman did something very evil in her past or has really bad luck. Either way it is a scene straight out of an M. Night Shyamalan movie; that I will be titling Hellevator.
New Bee Species Discovered in NYC
Beeleave it or not several new species of bees were found in NYC last week. These little buggers (like many species of bee) feed off human and animal sweat, yummy! And if all of that doesn’t interest you either, than how about this…..
These bees are the start of the zombie Apocalypse that we here at Gloganvlog have been preparing for for quite some time. It is this blogger’s belief that these honey bitches from hell are Satan’s little helpers here to transform the worlds population into mindless automatons. Just one sting could be enough to transform into a zombie, so hide ya wife and hide ya kids so you can grab a knife and hide in the fridge.
And This Is How New York City Handles Hurricanes
A Gloganvlog Dream Roomate
The following is actual embedded text from a Craigslist ad for a roomate in San Francisco. Frankly I didn’t know straight people lived/moved to Sanfran, but here is undeniable evidence. Thats just deductive reasoning.
$1000 Best. Roommate. Ever.
Date: 2011-08-18, 3:39PM PDT
Reply to: hous-ughzv-2549849730@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I’m moving there in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off. Read more…
What’s So NEW About It?
I think they were drunk when they spend the $1.6 million it cost the city to rename this street. I mean, REALLY?! Was it worth the time and effort it took the convicts at Rikers Island to make this street sign? And now all the tourists in Times Square are going to be completely lost. Like we really need another reason for them to stop and ask us stupid questions… FML
Isn’t It Enough They’re In The Projects?!
As New Yorkers, we’re always on the lookout for a good/better deal on an apartment. It goes without saying that it’s mostly about ‘location, location, location’ but also deeply influenced by price. How else could we afford our $15 drinks? 
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