Posts tagged ‘mexican’
Why is that when some people reach their mid-20s they feel the need to settle down and start popping out babies like a Mexican chicken farm? What is the rush people, everyone knows that 35 is the new 25 – unless you are Lindsey Lohan in which case 35 is the new 55.
What I’m getting at is that we have much more time to raise a family than our parents and grandparents. When they were young they had to be worried about being killed off by Tuberculosis, The Black Plague, and Elton John’s music so starting a family early on was way more important. You have the unique situation in your 2o’s of being young and beautiful and also making a decent living – it’s the perfect combination so don’t waste it. Go out and have fun, get fucked up, be silly, and do stupid things because I certainly do.
And that’s how Jew C’s it.
Inside we are all fat bitches that would love to break into the set of a Paula Dean Special and eat every one of those double-fried chicken wings. But on the outside we know better – we are always searching for the next great diet that will have our abs ready to wash whatever piece of laundry you happen have lying around after last night’s hook-up.
Well friends, the search is over and I have found the perfect diet: The Semen Diet! After some not-so-intensive intensive research I have found that semen is in fact that perfect food. It only has about 25 calories so you can have it for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner without feeling guilty. It also makes a great spread on toast or crackers as it adds just the right amount of salty goodness. If you’re going to exercise then why not mix some semen in with that pre-workout shake for an extra protein boost?
Semen comes in many flavors: African Dark, Spicy Mexican, Plain White, and even Asian (watch out for the MSG though). Grab yourself some semen today – it comes packaged in long tube.
So this is a story of how I nearly lost my life yesterday, a harrowing tale of bravery and valor…
Here at Gloganvlog we believe in bringing you the best quality pictures and video that money can buy……. but we will definitely Jew your ass down if you are trying to sell some shit on Craigslist. Our very own Gary Randall negotiated a deal with a 25 year old Mexican to buy a $350.00 camera for the low low price of $90.00. I literally shed a tear when I heard what a bargain he had wrangled in.
However, it is always good business to bring a Jew with you to any meeting that involves the exchanging of money; so naturally Gary requested my presence. Being that I have nothing better to do on a Monday afternoon I decide to meet him at Penn Station because we all know that if you are going to conduct business, the pristine Pennsylvania Station is where you should do it.
As I was turning the corner on to 8th ave I noticed a UPS driver exiting a building with push cart that contained several giant cylindrical plastic tubes. Upon closer inspection these tubes seemed to be filled with cedar shavings – you know, like the shavings you would use to line a hamster cage
Before I could shake my tits the UPS driver lost control of the cart as it came rolling down the street in my direction. Now, normally a cylindrical object hurling towards me would be a cause for celebration, but not this time.
Call me a prude, (or downright refuse to believe this if you want) But I don’t really like to arrange sex beforehand. (i.e. hookup sites or grindr etc). I’m not going to say I have never done it or will never do it again, but generally I prefer my sex to happen the old fashioned way. By meeting out somewhere, making out sloppily, groping each other in the streets in front of cops, and mutually deciding to end the night in Pound Town.
Obviously it isn’t that I am afraid of cocking a stranger. It’s just that arranging it all beforehand takes all the enjoyment and spontaneity out of it. It’s a little like the arranged marriages of some call center-heavy countries we shall not name. (read: India). Here is why. Read more…
It boggles my fucking mind every time a girl hits on me. I think its because I have identified as gay for so long and become so okay with it that I just imagine it is stamped on my forehead. You know those phermones guys give off to attract women? Mine smell like White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor. And they have always brought me luck.
But a few moments ago in the street I was accosted and hit on in the street by some teenage girls from New Jersey (I am assuming since they were wearing pearls with black shorts and furry boots). Here are the steps that made this strange phenomenon occur:
1. Don’t shave your face. I look like a Mexican Refugee right now but apparently in the straight arena that is acceptable?
2. Don’t do your hair. I hid my weave under a ski-cap whilst running so my earbuds wouldn’t fall out because one of my ears is oddly shaped. See Africa? Some people have real problems. Read more…