Posts tagged ‘masturbation’
Contrary to popular belief (mostly by women with gag reflexes) blowjobs aren’t exactly rocket science. Teehee. There are plenty of resources out there for how to give a blowjob, and honestly most of the time it comes down to simple common sense. Don’t bite, don’t actually suck or blow, and don’t vomit until the end.
Nobody ever talks about the blowee, though. A little known secret is that blowjobs don’t always work, and it isn’t always the fault of the blower. Also, not everyone can come from blowjobs. As someone who enjoys the fuck out of them when they are really good, but rarely finds anyone really good at it, I can sympathize. So here are some tips to receiving a blowjob:
Be in the right frame of mind: If your head isn’t in the right place, getting head is completely pointless. If you are thinking about taxes, the size of your dick, or your mom’s cancer scare, you won’t be able to enjoy the blowie. Clear your mind, and think about whatever makes you horny. If you have difficulty, or the person blowing you is toads fugs, think about whatever you fantasize about when you are jerking off. A blowjob is basically like a wet jerk off sesh.
Preemptive withholding: If you know you are going to get a b-jobber, refrain from jerking off a day or so before. Not only will this make you super horny and unable to think of anything else, but you get a really impressive cum shot out of it. Eat some celery the day before-hand to boost your load, and then watch-a-bitch-choke.
But what if you find yourself in the middle of a beej, and you haven’t had time to with-hold?
Let your hand be your guide: When someone is giving a blowjob (I may have done it once or twice) all they want is for it to work. As long as you ejaculate, the blower will be happy. If you do it right, they will also be full, and unable to look at mayonnaise the same way ever again. So if things aren’t really working downtown, use your hand to jerk off a little, and use your other hand to hold their head down there. You work the shaft while they work the head. It’s called team work, people. And if the blower is really good, they might pick up on your rhythm and you a handjob-blowie combo. Called a “handy-b”.
If all else fails, Read more…
Here I am, snuggled atop my Ralph Lauren vintage floral sheets, engulfed in my white down comforter, sleeping like an Amish angel readying herself for a big day of cross-stitching. Next thing I know, I hear my roommate’s window fly open.
Now, being a young woman in New York City, this sort of thing should worry me. Nope, no it didn’t. There’s only a 10 percent chance that it is indeed a rapist/murderer climbing through the window. There is a 60 percent chance that it is my neighbor J.Mo, and there is a 20 percent chance that it is one of the young boys from the Midwest with whom he is currently hooking up. As I suspected in my half-sleep state, it was my neighbor. Into my bed pounces J.Mo. Well, more like on top of me.
“Come smokesies with us,” he slur-cooed, “I’m so highsies.”
He proceeded to emit a high pitched chuckle and lay down next to me and fall asleep. At this point, I had never really left my slumber, so I continued to sleep with my neighbor in my bed. A little while later, I awaken to my bed shaking.
“Why is my bed shaking?” I thought to myself, thoroughly confused. I look over at J.Mo – dick out, masturbating.
I just stared in disbelief for a few seconds then, without hesitation, bitch slapped him in the face and screamed, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?” Then he stopped immediately and went instantly back to sleep without saying a word like a narcoleptic sex addict. Then I turned over and fell back into my angelic slumber. Just another day in the gayborhood.
In my vast experience of sexual exploration, I have used a great many things to masturbate: Couch cushions, bug repellent, the carburetor to a 1969 Ford Mustang. I have never, however used fruit. With the upcoming release of the American Pie reunion, I thought it was a good time to explore the idea of fruit with sex.
Why would you do this? There are so many people in the world willing to have sex with you for free, so why would you shell out 3 bucks for a watermelon, 6 bucks for an apple pie, or 89 cents for a kiwi (if you happen to be Asian)? I have enough problems in my hour long masturbatory sessions with lube drying out- the last thing I want is a sticky fruit exfoliating mask on my crotch.
And what about ants? Its hard enough finding a person that can give a good blowie without at least a scrape or two of their molars. Ants have millions of tiny little teeth like a super-sexy glamorously thin shark ( I am assuming because that is what it feels like) so it is that much worse.
And what about seeds? If you get an orange seed in your pee-hole will you grow an orange tree in your ball-sack?
When it comes to masturbation and food, rather than partake and experiment I defer to my right hand man.
Sorry I meant my right hand, man.
Good grammar, much like masturbation is a keystone to a satisfying life.
[ img via ]
I know you are probably thinking that you should know what a munny is, but don’t worry. Nobody does. From what I gather (I can’t be bothered to google) munnies are little plain plastic toys that you can buy and paint and decorate however you want. If you can take some time from your busy schedule of erotic asphyxiation and anal play, you should get one. Paint it. Get frustrated about how crappy it looks. Then put it in your ass.
In that order. Read more…
Desperate times, people. We have all seen them. Sometimes you are staying at your parent’s house in your childhood room, and you revert back to your childhood sex drive and decide it is absolutely necessary for you to jerk off 7 times. Since you are in a tiny town where the closest gay person with an asshole is 300 miles away so you didn’t think to bring lube. Your foreskin is long gone, and 7 consecutive orgasms = chapped dick, so what is a modern man to do?
Bug repellent- This actually makes sense, because if you are jerking off chances are you aren’t able to get laid, so you don’t have to worry about that chemical smell repelling any possible blowies.
Butter- The poppy seeds might make this a little complicated, but if you lay out nude afterwards, your dick will probably resemble a honey-baked ham, which is perfect for Thanksgiving.
Vaseline- I don’t recommend this. I don’t know why vaseline was invented. I don’t know why I have never actually used it for its intended purpose. Read more…
If you are a red blooded American with a penis in your pants then you probably watch porn. I don’t know why women get so worked up about it when they find out their boyfriend’s watch porn – but I assume it is because their vaginas look like loose meat sangwiches and they are worried that the fantasy will ruin their sex life. Here is the truth though- nothing feels better than putting a piece of yourself into a piece of someone else and vice versa. We all watch porn. I, one one hand watch amateur straight porn. Something about the stupid music, contrived scenarios, and non-stop grunting and “You like that’s” that come with gay porn rub me the wrong way (no pun intended). Also, gay porn always involves condoms. I may use them in real life but if I am going to fantasize I want it to be so raunchy that the pope himself hears my orgasm, does three hail mary’s and then asks Jesus Christ himself to come down from heaven and cleanse him of his impure thoughts with a holy hand job. Anyway, the point is that porn fantasies are Read more…
[ via TheLuxurySpot]
The new IT gift for this holiday gifting season : moisturizing socks. The inside of the socks are coated with a substance that locks moisture in, leaving your feet soft and touchable. They have an interesting texture and feel, sort of like silicon and an apple pie had a baby.
Being the deviant I am though, I couldn’t help but come up with several other uses for them.
Do you have a husband that is constantly asking you to do the dishes or clean the house? Just slip two of these bad boys over your hands with a squirt of moisturizer and tell him you are busy with your beauty regimen. If he complains, give him a hand job. Your hands will be so smooth he will soon be doing the household chores for you.
Masturbation. I know all of you were thinking it, which is why I have no problem being the person to say it. These socks are much more portable and less conspicuous than a large, clunky flesh-light (which I also own). With a few drops of lubrication, the socks become Read more…
If you’re like me, and I know most of you are–you jerk off every day. Its like a nightly ritual that I do even if I don’t want to. I watch straight amateur porn on my computer and keep a bottle of lube beside my bed to the left and a towel to the right. So basically masturbation is my ritual–like going to church every sunday, eating well balance meals, or serial murdering. Going on vacations always throws a wrench into things.
I am in Chicago staying in a hotel with two girls, so I can’t masturbate in bed. My best friend Bryce basically spoon rapes people in her sleep–but luckily I am in the other bed so nobody is getting pregnant. (I have enough stretch marks as it is). So the only option is Read more…
Let’s not beat around the bush boys (and I mean that literally and figuratively)… the difference between a hot encounter and a SIZZLING one is great lube. I’ll go so far as to even suggest that bad lube is a reason to kick a trick outta bed: I ain’t gonna get off when my balls stick to your a*s after every thrust, so let’s move on! But before I reveal the “top performers”, let me let you know how I tested these out: