Posts tagged ‘marvel’
Comic Nerds Commence Joyous Masturbation: Wolverine Goes Gay!
For those of us who are aware that Hugh Jackman is a card carrying powerdrill-collecting Crisco pre-lubing bottom, this may come as no surprise. But Marvel X-men character Wolverine was recently revealed to be a homo, and in a secret relationship with Hercules. If you can bypass the fucktuppery of that statement for one moment, I can explain. Apparently in the Marvel universe there are different realities, and in this particular one Wolverine is in a monogamous (meaning they have threesomes with fresh-off-the-boat Colombian bartenders from Craigslist) relationship with this particular universes version of Hercules. Of course, Hercules’ father (who is apparently a member of the Westboro Baptist Church) can’t stand the fact that his son would be in a relationship with a “mortal” (read: guy) and sends them both to the fiery pits of Hell.
Sounds about right. I am a little shocked by this because if I was going to pinpoint a stool-stuffer from X-men my money would have been on Gambit or Jubilee. Gambit, because he obviously liked to hit the bottle and you know most guys are three beers away from a midnight hand-job in the basement, and Jubilee because Asian twinks have no choice but to be gay- because no self-respecting woman would ever sleep with them.
Regardless, I am glad that Wolverine finally found a big, beefy back to dig his claws into. I can only imagine the smell of the bear-on-bear leather bondage sex they must have. I would go so far as to say it smells like unkempt hobo ballsack, Nutella, and Jovan Musk.
As many of you may well know, One Million Moms is the bigoted organization that gave JCPenney Hell for using Ellen Degeneres as a spokesperson since she is a public figure that happens to be an openly gay woman. Now, they have come out against Marvel for depicting a gay wedding in a recent issue of Xmen. Their tirade is below:
“As a parent and a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am extremely disappointed that you would use a children’s superhero character to help endorse same-sex marriage and glorify the homosexual lifestyle. It is disgusting that your company would participate in introducing sexual orientation to children when they are not equipped to understand what sexual preferences involve. Unfortunately, children are now being exposed to same-sex marriage and the gay lifestyle choice in your comic books. Gay adults do not need superheroes as role models. Your company is damaging impressionable young minds by placing these gay characters on pedestals in a positive light. As a Christian, I know that homosexuality is a sin. The Bible states this clearly in Romans 1:26-27. A comic book is the last place a parent would expect to be confronted with questions from their children on topics that are too complicated for them to understand. Issues of this nature are being introduced too early and too soon, which is extremely unnecessary. Please do the right thing and reverse your decision to have sexual orientation displayed to young readers. My decision to support your company and parent company depends on it. I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.”
I have decided to write a little open letter of my own:
Dear One Million (bad) Moms,
I don’t know where you think gay babies come from, but I can assure that one has never popped out of my asshole. Gay babies come from moms, like you, and the millions of others who have gone through intensive vagina-destroying labors to bring miracles into this world. I find it hard to believe that as moms, you can fight against the civil rights of anyone. You aren’t protecting the fragile sensibilities of our youth, you are lobbying against the rights of children. If one in every 10 people is gay, then 100,000 of your children are gay. They may not know it yet, and you may never find out due to your small-minded, outdated belief system – but the day that your child realizes he or she has feelings he or she can’t control for the same sex- feelings you don’t support and delusionally imagine don’t really exist I truly, truly hope that he or she finds some kind of positive role model, whether from support groups, social networking, or even comic books.
The whole gay thing Read more…
