Posts tagged ‘marriage’
There are many people out there who still use the bible as factual evidence as to why gays shouldn’t be allowed to marry. To me, this is like using The Hunger Games novels as factual evidence of why people shouldn’t name themselves after plants. Did that make sense? Didn’t think so.
Christian extremists (and I use the word extremist because its entirely possibly to practice a religion without infringing on the rights of others) use their faith in God, and the faith in the bible as evidence that gay marriage is wrong. Do you know what I have faith in? That gay marriage will eventually pass, and all this will be a moot point. There is quite literally no possible way gay marriage will not become legal, barring something apocalyptic taking over, like zombies or Michelle Bachmann. My faith is based on the fact that it is a civil right, not a civil privilege to marry whoever you choose.
Faith can be a powerful thing. It can bring you back from the brink of some nasty situations, and provide you with the most important tool that life has to offer: hope. Faith without logic is only half of the puzzle though.
I don’t personally believe in God, but I do know that he wouldn’t have given humans the capacity for logic, if he didn’t intend for us to use it.
That would be like giving Helen Keller a pair of glasses. Sure, she might look nice in them, but she would still be fucking blind.
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Chris Hughes – otherwise known as the “Facebook co-founder that no one one has heard of” tied the knot with his long time boyfriend Sean Eldridge. Some of the attendees included: Rainbow Brite (and her unicorn), Richard Simmons, and of course David the Gnome’s bitch ass. Everything went off as planned until Mark Zuckerberg jumped out of a five-tiered strawberry surprise wedding cake and announced his 70th Facebook update this month – way to steal the show Mark! Anyway, mazol tov to the happy couple; I look forward to seeing your updated FB relationship status change to “looking for a third” in a few months – count me in!
I’ve been thinking a lot about money and sex. They say prostitution is the oldest profession in the wold, but I don’t see how that’s possible. In the days of the caveman, money didn’t exist. I think its possibly that women walked around cooter-first and offered their goods to any man would would protect them and feed them. That isn’t technically prostitution though, it is just a bartering of goods and services. It still exists today, in fact. Its called marriage.
Imagine you are a semi-slutty sorority girl that wears pink-ice lip gloss out on a date with a really cute guy. He buys you dinner, and he’s cute and nice so you decide to put out. How is that any different from actual hookering? All you got is a meal out of it – I have a prostitute friend who once got $300 for a 10 minute hand job.
Imagine you are a poor girl from a small town that paints the bottom of her pumps with bright red nail polish, trying to make in in the big city. You meet a rich Wall Streeter who is nice enough, handsome enough, and out of town enough that you can forgive that he is eventually going to be two chomosomes away from Woody Allen. So you marry him. You spend the rest of your life and the rest of his money, all the while fucking the Read more…
I am not going to bore you with all the details, but I will paraphrase for those of you who need to fit this article, and some frenzied workplace bathroom masturbation into your break at the Best Buy stock room.
Basically, Professor John Boswell, the late Chairman of Yale University’s history department has discovered ancient Christian liturgical documents that describe same-sex unions, and ceremonies described as “The uniting of two men.” These ceremonies had all Read more…
“I told everyone around me that I was never going to do anal until I was married. Now I’m married and totally scared that my husband is going to expect it. How do I tell him I was just saying that so someone would marry me? Do I have to go through with it?”
Honestly anal is really not that bad sister if you just breathe through it, like birth but without all the broken dreams. How bad does he really want your chocolate starfish??? Everything has a price and if he wants it bad enough he will do anything to get it. You could get yourself a new rock quarry for your finger!
You may have given up your bikini body to bear his children, but he gave up a lot of drunken one night stands to be with you, so I think you are pretty even. One thing, however, that you must appreciate is the sanctity of grilling season. Grilling season for men is like Wedding season for women. He probably hates most of the people that are coming to his barbeques and would much rather sit at home drinking a beer with some friends. But, just as wedding season for you is about how much skinnier than the bride you can get before the big day, grilling season for him is about proving who can prove the most supple steak, who has the shiniest grill, and who has the biggest dick. The best thing you can do for him during grilling season is:
Act like a cave woman. Or a submissive asian woman. Basically, revert back to the years before feminism. Nothing will make his friends more jealous than thinking he has the perfect wife (meaning one that never talks back or puts gum in his pubes when she is angry- I learned that trick from my mom).
When he says beer him, beer him. Think of all the times he so considerately left you alone to bitch to your girlfriends when he did something wrong. Think of all the times he so obviously called you beautiful with his eyes, so that he didn’t have to say it with his mouth. Think of how he is so worried for your health that he is constantly reminding you to drop a few pounds. For such a great guy, how could you not beer him?
Drug the kids. Guys want to appear as masculine as possible for grilling season and the last thing your guy needs is Read more…
I don’t consider myself a relationship guy. I don’t consider myself a hookup guy either. There are definite pros and cons to both, and I can honestly say that I really love living life in both realms. Understanding the pro’s and con’s to each lifestyle can lead to much greater satisfaction, whether you are unhappily partnered, sitting across the dining room table from your husband wishing he would give you a reason to stab him in the balls with your salad fork while you listen to the hot young neighbors fuck, or unhappily single, cruising the last dregs of a daddy bar considering going home with that guy with hairy moobs leaning on the juke box drinking his 5th shirley temple. The grass is always greener. So here are the cons of both:
1. Eventually you will probably get tired of having one cock in your face all the time. The foreskin, which at once was such a novelty is now just an extra inch or so of the anatomy of a being that commands your intense hatred, and a bane to your existence when you go camping and he has no access to water. You have told him that rather than wake you up in the morning, he should just fuck you in your sleep. And he did. And you didn’t even wake up.
2. Eventually, you are going to see him poop.
3. You will inevitably wonder what the Hell happened to your personality. Nobody invites you to anything personally, they always invite you as a couple, as if you are one living breathing organism like a fucking anglerfish, double headed dildo, or Olsen. You know longer remember whose friends are whose, which makes the idea of a breakup even worse.
4. His parents either love or hate you. If they love you, it adds on the pressure of breaking up with an entire family, rather than just one person. If they hate you, it makes you want to stay in the relationship through your unhappiness just to twist the knife in his mother’s vagina that much further.
5. You are probably not using condoms. If he cheats on you, you will probably get AIDS.
1. You are probably not using condoms. If you sleep with the wrong guy, you will probably get AIDS.
2. Winters are cold. And if you want to keep your bed warm you are probably going to have to hook up with at least 3 guys a month. Thats 18 guys for the season. I don’t even have that many winter clothes.
3. If you die alone in your apartment, nobody will know. Your friends are too used to your flaky behavior to check in on you, and they would probably rather you be dead than have to travel to Wash Heights to check on you anyway. Your goldfish is going to find its way out of that super gay martini glass you keep it in and eat your remains.
4.You will undoubtedly be bombarded by plenty of guys that want to Read more…
As anyone with even a modest knowledge of social etiquette will tell you, certain conversations are only meant for certain situations. For instance, you wouldn’t talk about what a slut someone was at their funeral (unless that someone was me and you were commenting on how many hot guys came to pay their respects). You wouldn’t talk about how ugly some babies are, in front of someone who just popped out an infant that resembled Wilt Chamberlain. When you are between the sheets, there are just certain conversations that don’t need to be had; here is a run-down of the off-limits topics:
How one time you contracted gonorreah. Although this should seem obvious, as a journalist with integrity I feel that I have to idiot-proof this article. So maybe there was that one weekend you saw that band at that show, got really drunk, and ended up hooking up with a lighting grip that you thought was a band member because he had long hair and wore leather pants. A week or so later your giney felt more tingly than your face after an acidic exfoliating peel. So you went to the doctor, took a few pills and everything was once again right with the world. Everybody makes mistakes (including those that involve penetration); the bedroom is no place to discuss it.
How big your exes dick was. I have actually had to explain this to a certain editor of a certain website that I may or may not be writing for right now. You NEVER talk about your exe’s dick to your current boyfriend whether in bed or not, unless you are saying how intensely tiny it was. Talking about your exe’s dick will either Read more…