Posts tagged ‘Mariah Carey’
In Nonsense News: Celebrities Insure The Darndest Body Parts
I can understand if you make a living with one of your body parts, you might want to insure it. If I were Ron Jeremy, my crotch would be worth so much I would ejaculate liquid gold. If I were Taylor Swift, my breakup tears would be insured for so much money I drown the state of New Jersey all over again. (Too soon?). If I were Lindsay Lohan– wait never mind. I forgot we were talking about celebrities. Anyway, check out this handy little info-graphic breaking down the ridiculous amounts of money that celebrities insure their body parts for.
The only one I actually agree with is David Beckham. Yes, he has the voice of an English door-mouse whose balls are in a vice grip, (courtesy of Victoria) but the rest of him is worth all that money and more.
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Why Does Mariah Carey Have A Monopoly On Christmas?
Have you ever noticed that no matter where you go or what you do around Christmastime, Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas” song follows you around like an anorexic pitbull just freed from a Southern Californian fighting pit (basically Nick Cannon). I have tried everything short of running away to Zimbabwe to escape this song, but every day, every gay, I am constantly bombarded with that those few haunting opening notes. It is the number one google search for “All I want for Christmas” and has its own wikipedia page. So why is it that Mariah Carey dominates every Christmas party in 2012, even though the song came out in 1994 (thats nineteen-ninety-fucking-four)? I have some theories:
Because Mariah Carey is the same size, shape, and consistency as a gingerbread man. When you think of gingerbread men, you think of Christmas. Take a look at her face for a second: She has tiny little raisin eyes, pores the size of hubcaps, and a big smile that says: I am going to come to your holiday dinner, eat your fucking soul, and chase it with an entire gravy boat.
Because she Carey bought Christmas from Santa Claus for a cool 1 million dollars. You have to know here, that by Santa Claus, I mean Tommy Mottola. (think about it- they are both older than the Bible and love for little girls to sit on their laps. I am also pretty sure that neither of them have ever met a cookie they didn’t like). But you must know that by “buy Christmas” I mean he gave her Christmas in exchange for keeping the secret that he is toads molesty.
Because nobody embodies the term “ho,ho,ho” better than her.
Because Christmas is about giving gifts, and Mariah Carey thinks that she is the greatest gift of all. When it comes to divas, I feel like Mariah is up there with Celine and Barbra. I will openly admit that Mariah Carey is one of the most talented singers the world has ever seen. I will also openly admit that Read more…
Mariah Carey Performed as a Hologram
Mariah Carey performed a special Christmas concert for several European countries a couple of weeks ago – but what makes this unique is that she performed all the concerts at the exact same time. Mariah’s hologram was digitally beamed to several locations as a part of T-Mobiles Life Sharing campaign (see video below).
Mariah has Lost Some Serious Weight
Mariah might sing about it, but let’s be real no wanted to touch her body as it resembled an overly shrink-wrapped Christmas ham hock. But astonishingly the pop-diva lost 70 pounds in just 6 months while on the Jenny Craig weight loss program! She recently appeared on the Rossie O’Donnell show and looked absolutely fantastic – not to mention her fierce new Jenny Craig commercials (click ‘read more’ to watch the video). It’s true -Mooriah has left the building!
Mariah Carey on HSN – Which Stands for Holy Shit Niggabecrazy
Why are we so Obsessed with Mariah – cause she is out of her damn mind. Check out this little diddy from her HSN appearance.
Spotted: Loch Ness Carey (The Beached Whale Version)
This Is The Ugly Face Of Fame
This photo of Lil Kim and Mariah Carey was taken in the early 90′s. Here we see a hideous coked out sea monster posing with a sweet and sensible multi-racial dolphin calling mutant–two women who couldn’t look more different. Throughout the years Lil Kim and Mariah Carey have undergone a multitude of changes and eventually emerged as the same person. The photos below are more recent–leading me to ask the question “Is fame really worth it?”
How to Wrangle a Twink
How to Wrangle a Twink,
So you want a twink huh? You want a twink so bad you can taste….it. But there is only one problem, you aren’t a big butch masculine hunk-o-rama. Don’t fret my fellow fagatrons, merely follow my helpful tips below.
1. You might not be Mariah Carey but it is imperative that you lower your voice by at least two Octaves. Twinks love a deep voice.
2. Grow facial hair, and if you can’t grow it then trim your nose hair and use a trusty bottle of Elmer’s Glue to slather those sweet whiskers of love on to your face.
Gaylight Shavings Crime
I didn’t wake up until 1 PM today. Unlike every other day when I blame my late start on staying up late, too much good tv, or a crazy night in an opium den–today I am blaming it on daylight savings time. I was in the bath until 2 AM last night. The oven, the DVR, my Ihome, and my Iphone all told me different times. I didn’t know who to believe. I still don’t.
My favorite time of year is when the sun goes down at 9 pm. I am willing to go through a little disorientation in order to get there. But this particular equinox or solstice, or whatever it is remains just one more example of how mother nature has been worse than the mother on Precious this winter. If I could, I would poison her pigs feet. I would throw a TV onto her head from a third floor walkup in Harlem. I would force her to watch Mariah Carrey act, for hours on end.
Damn you Gaylight Shavings, Damn you.
Today’s Craption: Mariah Carey Gives Birth!
“Mariah Carey was especially excited when she heard she was having twins. But when triplets popped out of her overly photoshopped boozebucket she squealed for joy. Then she took a closer look. She had given birth to many phen-phen babies, flan-children, indian-food infants and taquito-tots (read: she is fat and deuces a lot) but this was entirely different. These little pig-nuggets were still edible. So she ate them. Then she disappeared back into the mists of the Apalachians to re-join her people: A swarthy tribe of hairy bigfoot monsters that can communicate with dolphins.”
Too far?
