Posts tagged ‘manhattan’
I woke up today next to a tranny, went to brush my teeth, and realized my tongue was blue. At first I thought I was finally reaching my goal of literally transforming into Vanity Smurf (if Smurfs had dicks he would be the gang-bang champion of Smurf-ville) but then I realized that I drunk-bought seven boxes of Flavor Ice the other day at Walgreens and apparently drunk-ate all seven of them.
We started the night at The Ritz for $5 martinis. Club Promoter Nadia E, the “girl” who is in all my recent Hangover diaries photos had her first Thursday party, and I can honestly say that there was more than 10 people I would cock there. That is saying something. The music was awesome, the guys were hot, and there were fucking hamburger sliders. That’s all I’m saying. Our favorite bartender downstairs makes these insane drinks that I call Papa Smurf’s Revenge (Blue Moon and Blueberry Stoli. Also the reason I puked at work last week) so needless to say my ongoing bid to drink less did.not.happen.
Its Fleet Week here, so there were tons of hot Military guys all around. Every time I saw a hot guy I was Read more…
This city is fast paced as shit, and it is damn near impossible to get away from people. Even worse, getting away from the conversations they are having with each other, from girls that just tunneled over from Jersey yelling into their blinged out blackberrys about how their boyfriend is at Larry Flynt’s with that whorah to thugs cursing angrily into their boost mobile phones at their tardy drug dealers – we are more often than not caught up in the conversations of everyone else. Along the blue and red lines in Chelsea you can now get reception while you are underground – leading me to believe that we are all going to die of brain cancer, or annoyance at straight people arguing loudly with their lovers.
I am against this new development. I know that it might increase safety in the tunnels, but the trains are one of the only places in the city where everything is quiet. I actually love everyone’s dead, blank stares and “I hate my commute and my life please get me a drink, why oh why god did I move into Brooklyn” demeanor. Not to mention, we spend so much of our lives glued to our smartphones, whether we are listening to music, returning emails that can wait or misunderstanding text messages. We need some down time and the train at least offers the chance to realize we are still alive, and not mindless robots.
But what say you? Are you for, or against cell service?
They say that patience is a virtue. Unfortunately, they tell ME that it’s not a virtue I possess. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of a lot of the stupidity going on over at the Jersey Shore, elsewhere outside Manhattan – - that means you Williamsburg (hipsters), and specifically by Floridians. So check out this video,
1. Even though everyone knows they exist, you don’t see them all over the place in Manhattan. In any of the smaller podunk cities like Pelican Brief, MN or Chicago, IL you can find them at any organic supermarket, bed and breakfast, or 10 minute oil change.
2. They both shorten your life expectancy. Drugs shorten your life because they have harmful chemicals, and Lesbians because they put you through so much drama that your hair falls out and your asshole heals over due to chronic constipation. Either that, or they actually physically end your life via stab would from the toothbrush shiv they meant for their ex girlfriend.
3. The natural habitat of both drugs and lesbians is the North American Trailer Park.
4. They are both gateways: Drugs being gateways to unemployment and other drugs. Lesbians are gateways to barfights, lip piercings, ankle bracelets, other drugs, murder, terrorism, eco-terrorism, uncomfortable dinner parties, human trafficking, and Lindsay Lohan.
5. They are both more easily digested if you are already fucked up. Who hasn’t gotten really drunk and then figured they might as well take a hit of the good shit? And if you are faced enough you can pretend the deep voiced, mulleted flannel wearing she-lumberjack named Biff standing in front of you with one leg propped up on her Trans Am is actually a guy.
Then it’ll make more sense when Biff tries to poke you with the blunt end of the ceramic tomahawk she made in Juvie crafting class.
And now for the differences. The only difference between lesbians and drugs is that one of them is illegal.
And it is the wrong one.
Oh look. Even my photo is bigger.
1. I have central heat/air, a washer/dryer in suite, a jacuzzi tub, a dishwasher, and an elevator. I pay under $1000.00 per month and my room is huge.
For years the Brooklyn vs Manhattan debate has heated up. With Williamsburg and Park Slope gaining more and more notoriety over the last ten years, I often pondered the age-old question myself. Here is what I have come to learned in my 3.5 years in NYC Read more…
This submission is from a new Manhattan friend, who’s turning out to be much more interesting (aka cra-cra) than expected. But always a good time!
So I just had this random thought and am sharing it with you because I don’t have a therapist. No response is necessary.
So what does this mean?
1. I can stop wearing an entire thermal underwear set under my skinny jeans and xxs t shirts–sometimes when I was drunk and sitting down I found it very challenging to stand up in all those layers. NO MORE SWEATY BALLS!
Just kidding. I will always have sweaty balls.
2. I can have sex in public again. This is probably the worst thing about winter–sure its fun to go skiing and all but wouldn’t it be more fun to sneak into the woods and do sexuals? Not so much when both of your dicks look like gerkins.
Goals only seem unattainable until you reach them. I know this because I am sitting here in my Manhattan apartment, and exactly 10 years ago I was graduating from high school in a tiny town that didn’t even have a Starbucks until a year ago.Thinking about it makes me feel nothing but gratitude.
If you don’t believe me, you can ask my crotch–who has set many goals, deadlines, and quotas for itself over the years and never disappointed. (that is a lie. My crotch does get disappointed–mostly on vacations because for some reason I can’t get laid to save my life. I’ve only had one truly great vacationship in 27 years -more on this later.)
But what does it come down to? We know that in this world there are talkers, doers, and fluffers. What is the real difference between being a talker rather than a doer? Read more…
Yes I am afraid its true. Hell has frozen over. Ragnarok has come to pass. Rosie O’Donnell has shaved her armpits. Ryan Seacrest has come out of the closet. Jesus came back down to earth, tweeted WTF I am so over this snow to his 10,000 followers, friended his father on facebook and then went to Pinkberry.
I pulled a Molly Ringwald last night. I stayed in.
I did not however stay sober.
I ate an entire pizza and order of buffalo chicken kickers by myself and drank an energy drink at 1 AM (I wanted a treat) while watching the jewelry network. Read more…