Posts tagged ‘kelly preston’
Five Ways You Can Tell That John Travolta Is Gay
1. Umm, she’s wearing a leather loincloth thong stitched together with the rape tears of Latino massage therapists everywhere. Also, that isn’t a tan, its total body rug-burn from being passed around like a crack-pipe at a 3 PM Charlie Sheen Anger Management after party.
2. Massage therapists are coming out of the woodwork like poppers in the Rambles, accusing him of sexual assault. Do you know who you victimize if you are looking for a sexy, good time on the down low? Massage therapists. Do you know why? They are financially desperate enough to put their hands all over a total toad for a 20 dollar tip, and chances are a hand job is only one meager c-note away. A hand-job from a massage therapist is easier to come by than a club appearance by Lindsay Blohan, and its pretty obvious that the only reason this scandal is even happening is because one opportunistic therapist got greedy, and the rest of them glommed on like Travolta’s butt-cheeks on a mocha colored five-skin.
3. Kelly Preston. Have you ever seen her act? Neither have I. But if I had, in fact, seen The Princess Diaries I would know that her acting ability plainly discloses the fact that she hasn’t seen a penis in about 25 years, if at all. I didn’t think it was possibly to act like a frigid ice queen around Anne Hathaway’s Bambi about to get gang-banged gargantuan eyes, but Kelly Preston managed Read more…
Dear Cake: We’ve Had A Good Run. See You Next Winter
Spring is allegedly on the way even though right now its colder than the Keith Urban side of Nicole Kidman’s marriage bed.
During the winter it is okay to gain a few pounds and let yourself go–after all who is going to see under your sleeping bag-like down jacket from Burlington coat factory? (if you are me, that number would be 530–the number of guys I slept with this winter.)
But now that spring is finally, begrudgingly, showing its bright green tits to the sky we have to start thinking about our fitness again. Here are several tips on how to exercise properly.
1. Pour a handle of vodka into a sprite bottle, take nothing but 2.50 cents with you and get on the train to Bed Stuy. Drink the entire bottle on the train. Once off the train, find your way home, drunk. You will most likely have to run from some shady characters, hide behind more than a few dumpsters and blow someone in a McDonalds bathroom for a big mac to keep your energy up. If you don’t lose a few lbs then my name isn’t Bad Advicey Bad Advicingtons. Read more…
