Posts tagged ‘justin timberlake’
Yes, I am aware that this song came out before half of the people that read this blog were old enough to S a D, but that isn’t the point. The point is that very few of Britney Spears’ songs make any lyrical sense. I know she doesn’t write them herself, and yet somehow they still come out sounding like her 3 (or whatever) year old Jaden Bocephus Spears-Federline wrote it in cocaine residue on the glass top of the coffee table (a keg with some plywood balanced on it) in their Middle America trailer mansion.
So here are the lyrics, deciphered :
I know I may be young, but I’ve got feelings too. (I feel like I want some cheetos, a Cheeseburger, and a Route 66 Slushie from Sonics, yall)
And I need to do what I feel like doing. (sittin on the la Z boy smoothin cream-cheese frostin in mah cellulite dimpies)
So let me go and just listen. (to the sound of mah damn kids crying. Damnit Mama’s watchin her programs!)
All you people look at me like I’m a little girl. (even though the only little thing about me now is mah weave budget)
Well did you ever think it be okay for me to step into this world. (im wearin uggs so I don’t get meth crystals stuck to mah toes)
Always saying little girl don’t step into the club. (just cause I was 13. Shooooot. I was old enough to beard for Justin Timberlake)
Well I’m just tryin’ to find out why cause dancings what I love. (and by dancin, I mean Read more…
Chuck Norris: Because I believe that his wiry ginger whiskers would exfoliate my money-maker much better than any asshole bleaching ever could. Not to mention he still owes me for the 127 hours I spent watching those horrible Walker Texas Ranger episodes. But most importantly, he deserves a Hershey Kiss for telling Haley Joel Osment that he has AIDS. If you don’t know what I am talking about, WATCH THIS.
Seriously, watch it now. And then again later when you are high.
Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel: These two she douches don’t even get their own time-slot with my asshole since they are basically the same person. My hatred for Zooey is no secret- I simply don’t like pretty people that rely on things other than their looks to get by in life. My hatred for Katy can’t really be explained in words. I feel about her the way I feel about an obese mother letting their 200 lb kid eat a double whopper value meal with a chocolate shake, while playing their game boy, watching a mini-portable tv, and peeing in the colostomy bag she got them so they could avoid dangerous things like exercise, and don’t have to make the perilous journey to the bathroom.
Anybody that wears Jovan Musk: So basically Josh Hartnett (although he probably does so ironically) and all 7th graders everywhere. The reason being that Read more…
A Gloganvlog Maneuver Tutorial: The Bitch Please Face
As demonstrated above by one of our most awesome writers, Julia Ozimek, we are here today to teach you how to do the Bitch Please face. The Bitch Please face is a very powerful expression which, when used in the most sarcastic of ways can intimidate people into doing things for you such as: making your drink at the bar a little stronger, giving up the argument that they should be able to fuck you in the butt because you are on your period, or leave you alone at the bar because they are an old troll and you are a teen model.
The steps are as follows:
1. Cock your hips out as if Justin Timberlake’s peach fuzz butt cheeks were millimeters away from your crotchal. Turn one foot to the side a la Natalie Portman humping the bed in Black Swan.
2. Put one hand on your hip. Put both hands on your hips. If you can, bring your back leg around like a scorpion tail and put that on your hip too.
3. Do a healthy bump of cocaine to get your confidence up.
4. Whip your head to the side so fast that you break the sound barrier causing Michell Obama’s wig to blow off from all the way in DC.
5. Purse your lips like you are Read more…
ManCandy: Justin Timberlake
He’s been my celebrity crush since way before he was in The Social Network, Alpha Dog, and NSync. I evrn forgave him for the cornrow incident and for breaking Britney’s heart – - I’m actually glad he dumped that flat-chest, acne-prone hag Cameron Diaz and that self-absorbed model/actor, Jessica Biel, whose nose looks like Read more…
How to have a Wet Dream
If you are like me, you have to masturbate at the very least every two days or you will turn into a godzilla like mega-bitch and cry at inappropriate times like the series finale of Dawson’s Creek.
The key to having a wet dream is to stop masturbating. I know it sounds impossible, but after a few days your pent up aggression will take matters into its own hands (ironically) and nocturnally emit.
The great thing about wet dreams? Since they feel so real, its possible to feel like you have actually had sex with a celebrity.This can backfire, as in the time that I dreamt Robert Deniro was trying to give Ed Westwick an HJ in the jacuzzi at the Red Roof Inn.
Or it can be amazing. Like the other night when I dreamed that Ian Somerhalder and I commenced with the pounding of the cakes. More hot guys after the jump. Read more…
