Posts tagged ‘julia’
First off, I want to say that my thinspiration (yes, I have a lisp and yes, I am super skinny) for this post is Julia, the most bull-dykin-ist, rootie-tootie-fresh-but-not-fruity lesbo I know.
I’m sure we have all wondered from time to time why lesbians are such emotional creatures. Its because they don’t have penises so they have to fill that void with tears.
Lets examine this phrase: “Tears are how our heart speaks when our lips cannot describe how much we’ve been hurt”.
First of all, hearts don’t speak. They pump blood. Their primary function is to keep us fucking alive. And just so you know, you will not actually die if your girlfriend sleeps with her ex-girlfriend’s girlfriend again. You will probably just outburst emotionally and key her Pontiac Sunfire.
Secondly, our lips don’t describe anything. They can’t talk, or emote, or explain quantum physics. We have lips for one reason, and one reason only. To suck dicks. End of story.
Thirdly, I have to assume that since this is obviously written by a lesbian she must have been talking about the downtown lips. Again, these lips cannot actually speak but they are a little better at communication than the lips on your face, if the message you are trying to communicate is “I look like a roast beef dust ruffle.”
Fourthly, it is actually the Read more…
I don’t understand what lesbians have to do with horses. If this were called The Big Book of Lesbian Kitty Stories, I would understand because it would be about mulletted bulldykes wearing tie-dye and Tevas sitting on the couch stroking their cats and talking about their feelings.
That is how lesbians have sex, right? Then they scissor?
Which means they take a pair of pinking shears and trim each other’s mullets?
Then they munch the carpet?
Meaning they Read more…
As if it wasn’t 100% more obvious than a watermelon stand in Bed Stuy, it has recently been revealed that Julia used to be a little boy. Growing up in the backwoods of Thonotosassa, Fl wasn’t easy for such a masculine little boy, and Julia fell into the societal pressures of drinking, riding dirtbikes and scissoring bulldykes at a very young age. She can be seen here in this footage, practicing her O Face on National TV while a jogging Hilary Clinton morphs into a walking Obama in the background.
Bet that blew your mind, didn’t it? Julia’s intense muff-diving skills will too.
As lesbians are only creative when it comes to devising new and interesting ways to fuck with their ex-girlfriends emotionally, and creating new and interesting never-before-seen incarnations of the traditional mullet, Julia had no choice but to dress up this year as a version of herself. She calls this creation:
Franken-dyke whose girlfriend is on her period.
Growing tired of late night Craigslist trolling and hanging around outside Girls Roller Derby nights hoping to catch a flash of snatch, Julia finally decided to start advertising for what she was looking for. She started the “Finger a Dyke Plumbing Service” and began walking down the road to becoming a star. Armed with only her tool belt, hammer hold denim cargo pants, and 10 fingers (named after the Von Trapp family from the acclaimed lesbian musical porno-drama The Mound of Music) Julia set out Read more…
It has long been hypothesized that Julia is the unintentional offspring of a widebeest and a can of Skoll. Now this picture has been found depicting Julia’s mother– a 14 year old lesbian impregnating herself using undergarments that she bought from a “Fill a brown paper bag for 5 bucks” yard sale. 12 months later (Lesbians are even stubborn and anti when it comes to being born) Julia popped out singing a Sarah Mclachlan song and the world hasn’t been the same since.
I did an image search for Julia on Google. The photo I found is after the jump Read more…
As she should have been. In breaking news, Julia’s car (aptly named the pontiac pussy-pounder) was seen abandoned on the side of the road outside a waffle house in Winter Haven, FL. According to reports she was seen drunkenly swerving into every straight girl she could find with a Jamison bottle in one hand and a cucumber in the other. When police searched the vehicle, they found a case of skoal chewing tobacco, a size 42E sports bra from the Dudeswithboobs collection by Chaz Bono, an industrial grade jackhammer, 7 pairs of bootleg Oakley sunglasses complete with rubber backstraps, and a copy of the movie Braveheart.
Julia was arrested on suspicion of being too dykey to exist in public. Her bail was set at $13 and a carton of Luckies.
Okay admittedly Amy Winehouse took it a little far. But the truth is she is someone who liked to party. She didn’t apologize for it. She lived the way she wanted to. But there is no denying her talent and honestly she was a true artist. Like most artists she had demons ( mine is named Julia and is a raging BDBD –bull dozin bull dyke). We don’t yet know what she died of, but we do know that she lived life by her own rules. Maybe they got her killed-but that is the risk you take when you challenge society. So we should all have a moment of silence and a shot of Jamison in her memory.
It is said deep within the lesbianic traditions and histories that one day Eve, the original lesbian will come back and save the people. No longer will they have to cower in their tasteless apartment complexes drinking brewski’s and making out with their ex girlfriend’s new girlfriends. No longer will they have to dress in lumberjack sawmill fashion finds from the bargain bin. No longer will they smell like a thrift store dressing room fart (Lady Stetson) or taste like an ashtray filled with luckies drenched in Olde English.
This photo reveals that Julia is the chosen one. For it is known that lesbians evolved from pigs–which is why they will munch on anything.
Luckily, I have a natural lesbian repellent called a cock. But all the straight girls of the world should cover their coinslots with the only other natural lesbian repellent (a real job) and head for the hills.