Posts tagged ‘joy behar’
Let me preface this by saying that Il Bastardo is called such because every time we brunch there our experience is eventually bastardized into a monstrous partying clusterfuck that cannot be contained by the reins of decency. It was so debaucherous I am only now recovered enough to write about it.
It started off as a Shindia/Nicmac birthday/welcome brunch. The server immediately hated us since I sat myself next to Jmo, a jew so loud he could out-behar Joy Behar. He and I hadn’t eaten, and weren’t planning to any time soon so we could get good and drunk first. The thing you should know about Il Bastardo is that they serve their mimosas and champagne in glasses so large Somalian Families could feed their entire families rice from one goblet. For a week. So immediately I see Logan at one end of the table beside Nicmac, me and Jmo in the center across from Frecks and his Brazilian boyfriend, and Shindia at the other end. This is the perfect storm brewing–as we were far enough apart to turn the table of 18 ppl into a shitshow but close enough to yell at eachother. Which we inevitably had to do since Il Bastardo thinks they are a daytime version of Studio 54 and tried to drown our faggotry out by turning up the music 2000 decibels.
“Even though Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi was told she was too short to be a model, she still managed to find work posing on the cover of the 2012 HoneyBaked Ham Holiday Catalogue. She was quoted as saying: ‘It’s perfect for me cuz, ya know I just rub myself down wit buttah and go searchin for da beach. 5 hours lata Im brown as a one-uh-tha turds that come out my ass. Honeybaked ham and meze like da perfect combo cause my thighs are as bigaz 35 lb hamz and I like gettin stufft like a thanksgivin turkey’.”
Unfortunately, someone (my money is on Joy Behar) mistook the pint sized guidette for an actual turkey and put her in the oven for 4 hours at 350 degrees.