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Posts tagged ‘jewish’

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Reasons Why I Like Living In New York: Asshole Edition

January 8, 2012

I have never really been the type of guy to take a boat-load of shit from anyone. I have noticed however, that after 4 years of living in New York I have developed a tougher skin. Here are some of the ways I have changed.

I don’t let people accost me in the street. I don’t care if you are a dirty homeless person, an innocent girl scout, or Jesus Christ himself disguised as a down-on-his-luck urban kid just trying to sell his rap CD on the subway. If you talk to me in public, I am either going to pretend I don’t hear you (I use my headphones more than I use my nuva-ring), say the word NO loudly and firmly and keep walking, or spray you with an accelerant such as gasoline, light you on fire, and use that fire to light my menorah while I dance around in jewish glee.

I don’t let bartenders or servers get away with being rude. When a service person is rude, it just says: I have a dry vagina and I have been on my feet all day. Obviously I don’t care about the two dollar tip you are going to leave me. When I am at McDonald’s, I fully expect and accept that the girl behind the counter isn’t even going to look at me or acknowledge me. The only thing that exists to her is the clock that is ticking by so slowly that she is sure it is a punishment from God himself for dropping out and having kids so early. Restaurants and bars are different because Read more…

Homosexuality + Jews + Dr Laura Schlesinger = Awesome

September 27, 2011

I normally try and refrain from reposting things word for word but thus was just too good, enjoy, In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet……

Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination …. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexual ity. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging. Your adoring fan, James M Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)

The day Cedar Hamster Shavings Almost Killed Me

August 23, 2011

So this is a story of how I nearly lost my life yesterday, a harrowing tale of bravery and valor…

Here at Gloganvlog we believe in bringing you the best quality pictures and video that money can buy……. but we will definitely Jew your ass down if you are trying to sell some shit on Craigslist. Our very own Gary Randall negotiated a deal with a 25 year old Mexican to buy a $350.00 camera for the low low price of $90.00. I literally shed a tear when I heard what a bargain he had wrangled in.

However, it is always good business to bring a Jew with you to any meeting that involves the exchanging of money; so naturally Gary requested my presence. Being that I have nothing better to do on a Monday afternoon I decide to meet him at Penn Station because we all know that if you are going to conduct business, the pristine Pennsylvania Station is where you should do it.

As I was turning the corner on to 8th ave I noticed a UPS driver exiting a building with push cart that contained several giant cylindrical plastic tubes. Upon closer inspection these tubes seemed to be filled with cedar shavings – you know, like the shavings you would use to line a hamster cage

Before I could shake my tits the UPS driver lost control of the cart as it came rolling down the street in my direction. Now, normally a cylindrical object hurling towards me would be a cause for celebration, but not this time.

Read more…

Mattel Finally Comes Out With A Realistic Looking Doll: Beer Goggles Barbie

August 11, 2011

About Fucking Time.

Mattel announced today that it was tired of being labeled as a manufacturer of unrealistic expectations for young girls everywhere and has unveiled designs for “Beer Goggles Barbie” otherwise known as “Butterface Barbie” and the “Leave quietly in the night” doll.

In the wise words of Dane Cook: “We’ve all fucked a lagoon creature or two.” I am just glad Mattel has finally embraced the fact that 95% of people in this world look like the roasted shnuggets that pop out of a dragons asshole after shabbat dinner. (all dragons are jewish).

In a world where little girls grow up wishing they had enough resolve to have eating disorders, now our children Read more…